I'm a fucking 1000 dollar bills

On Michael Jackson

2009-06-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

I will preface the following post by saying that the loss of any human life is sad and emotional. That people are hurt regardless of who they are and what they do. This is by no means saying that we should not mourn someone who has died. Except maybe if that person is a serial killer, or pedophile, or like Hitler or someone.

Anyways, my friend told me about Michael Jackson dying and I wasn't shocked as much as other people were. I was like "really? That's fucked up" and then I shrugged and moved on. Then I went home and went on facebook and went on Digg and all these people were like "OMG! MJ!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!" People went apeshit! Inviting me to groups?! Telling me to update my status page for the memory of Michael Jackson? Putting up pictures of MJ, putting up videos, putting up how Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle made fun of him, that time he was on the Simpsons, that time he was on Motown's 25th anniversary, stuff like that. Understandable I guess. But what bugged me is that people seemed actually depressed, like so down. And people who are like in early 20's, people who didn't even grow up listening to MJ. His last real decent album was "Dangerous" and I dunno that Free Willy song. That's when I was kid, and I'm fucking old. Why are you so depressed about it?

Ok that's not fair because a lot people can listen to "Thriller" later on in life, and yeah he did influence a lot of music today. That's cool, but he hasn't done anything of artistic value since that greatest hits album he made, and all those statues. Artistically he was done, he really had nothing else to give. The movie equivalent is like if Al Pacino died. Yeah he did the Godfather and all those awesome movies in the seventies, but he hasn't done a decent movie in like 15 years. So yeah it's sad that he died, but we move on.

People will problaby will say "Oh, you're not even an MJ fan, this is why you feel this way" and I will say two things to those people. First, I am a big Jackson fan, he did amazing music back in the day. Off The Wall, Thriller, and Bad are still amazing albums. STILL. I don't know what Usher would do without MJ. Same with Justin Timberlake. Secondly, I am a much bigger Beatles fan, and I when George Harrison died I felt the same way as I do now with MJ. Yeah it was sad he died, but I didn't go on and listen "Here Comes The Sun" in tribute. I think I will feel the same when McCartney kicks the bucket too.

To be honest I was more shocked and broken when Heath Ledger died because that guy was in the prime of his career. I was like "No, is Dark Knight finished??" and I was sad that I wasn't gonna see him in the third Batman which he was supposed to be in. That was sad. Yes it sounds selfish, but I think this is why people were much more depressed when Cobain died, or when Tupac and Biggie died. These guys still had some potential for something bigger. It's like the movie "A Bronx's Tale" when the dad says that the worst thing in the world is wasted potential. This is what that was. We will never know if Ledger's Joker in the third Batman could be better. We will never know if Jimi Hendrix would still be playing amazingly today. We will never know how many more Nirvana albums could come. That's instantly more shocking.

Again, don't get me wrong. Someone dying that people loved is always sad and yes tributes should be in order, but seriously guys....seriously.

On The Aftermath

2009-06-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this adventure I have been having with this mystery girl is not as interesting as you people might think it is. That and it's also very perplexing and confusing, and sometimes a little high schoolish. So I'm not going to mention it in this section, until there is a definitive in the matter. Actually, I have been talking a lot about this issue to other people that I have exhausted my typing hand about it, and all the possibilities and scenerios have been played out in my head. I will talk about it when the dust settles, or else it becomes confusing and a little whiny really. Just bear with me.

On Quinn and Renney

2009-06-03T00:33:00.000-07:00

There is a huge appreciation for the new coaches that the Oilers unveiled. They are experienced men, with a lot of coaching cred and a lot of leadership potential. The main thing that came out of it so far is the importance of networking and the ability to surround yourself with quality people. Without Steve Tambillini not knowing these men from thier old playing days and even old coaching days, they would not trust Tambo. They wouldn't trust themselves to have a coaching tandem. They wouldn't come to the most northern NHL city to coach for three years in -30 degree weather. To coach a team that finished in 13th place last year. Tambo also showed a lot of humility in hiring a man who was a GM before, and who has had a lot of success before. Those are important features to have if you want to lead a successful team.

I emphasize the word team here because a lot of people get caught up in thier own jobs that they don't realize that they are part of a team too. Most of the time they drown in the theory that they have to look out for themselves and themselves only. When in fact if you look out for the whole, and that lies in line to what you are doing, then it will make your job easier and make you look like a winner. Tambo knows that he can't just hire an inexperienced coach to lead his team from the duldrums, and he could've gone the preferable route for him and just hire one of those men and people would've been happy. But no, he goes out and gets the most of what he can, without fear that those people will show him up and without fear that they might take his job, especially someone like Pat Quinn. He's fearless because he feels that Quinn and Renney will make the team better and thus make his job easier and therefore make him look like a genious. That takes guts and foresight, and as a fan of the Oilers this has been a big shining light in what has been a dark year.

The Friend Zone

2009-05-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

The common theory is that there is a limited time in between when you meet someone and when you can ask them out. You have to do it soon, or else you enter that awful area called "The Friend Zone." I don't know the exact science but it's something to do when they call you like a brother/sister is when you can say you have bought realty in the zone. In my case it's usually when the girl stops waiting for you to make a move and just becomes an acquaintance, a friend of a friend. In that sense though if you still choose to embark on that quest, it can become easier than the other direction, a full fledged friend. One that thinks you're awesome, but in another way. Thinks you're the world, but not like that. Thinks you would make an awesome boyfriend, but not for her. You know this because every time you make a move, she looks at you in a weird "aw that's so cute" way. The same way you act when you find a pet that's trying to act like people.

This happens to me way too often, even though I try to be aggressive or more outright in my appeals, this still happens. Most of the time though it's that old adage of you don't know what you want until it's right there in front of you, or something like that. But recently I have found myself that I can break this theory, that someone can outdo this Friend Zone. I have known and have admired this friend for a long time. Someone who if I were to ask 16 year old Ridley to draw me the girl that I would want to date, she would be very close. But I never paid attention to her until after we spent some time apart. She left the country for a bit, came back to work where I work, then I moved locations and I missed her again. Then I came back, and after I had to shed a couple of unfortunate incidents I saw her in a new light. Like a dumb romantic comedy.

So I started poking around to see if there was any interest in me, in that process we regained our closeness that we had before. We went out many times, we took pictures together, we went to dinner, we had movie dates, we basically did everything except be a couple. Now I found out that she really does have some feelings for me, but she's scared that she would lose my friendship in the process. Which I find weird, because she knows indirectly that I do share those feelings, so why not take the chance? That's what relationships are all about right? Taking chances?

I don't know the answer to this, but I'm going to find out soon. Wish me luck, and hopefully at least I can shed of this theory once and for all.

Focus Attack Dash Cancel

2009-05-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've been playing a lot of Street Fighter IV recently, mostly trying to find a way to Focus Attack Dash Cancel properly with an XBOX 360 controller. It's hard ass! I'm actually thinking of getting a PS3 just so I can play SFIV properly. But you know who inspired me to start actually trying some more difficult moves? This kid from Japan, this Yakuza looking kid who is the undisputed champion of Street Fighter, Daigo Umahara. In Street Fighter circles he's simply known as "The Beast." Just recently he took on the Korean, US, and Japanese champions and beat them all. His Ryu is simply a technical machine, just like The Detroit Red Wings. Well coached, well executed, well adjusted, he would've won three Stanley Cups himself if powerplays were executed with a simple quarter circle hard punch.

But for reals, I want to be like that. Street Fighter is one of those games that everyone has played once in thier life, and I believe that I will whoop all your asses one day. Also because I'm not that good at NHL 09, and that's what everyone else plays.

I also wanted to say that bangs on girls are a great new development of the summer of 09 that I approve of. Especially if they belong on my eternal weakness, blonde girls. Keep up the good work out there.

The Past

2009-05-21T00:26:00.000-07:00

Much time has passed since I updated this blog, and really no one pays much attention to it. Only a select few followers of my old, old, old blog. Which is great, this is exactly what I wanted. Writing on this blog and on any forum on the net is fucking dangerous, it got me in so much trouble. So why don't I quit like a bad acid trip? Because I love it so.

I started re reading stuff I wrote back in like 2004, 2005, 2006. When I was completely caught up in myself and tracking everything I did, and you know what? I enjoyed it. I felt free, I felt like I had some talent, I even made myself laugh. Like "did I actually write this? Oh Ridley, you're such a funny asshole." The good thing is that I'm at a point where my past is not going to haunt me anymore. I've exercised those demons that crippled my independent spirit. My life is different than the guy that sat in front of the computer writing to you almost every day. Three, four years ago.

Three years ago I went to England to teach unruly kids basic Grade 7 math. In that time I shed the young carefree everything was going my way Ridley, and became the man that I am now. That period, those 9 months were the hardest , easiest, best, and worst days of my almost 30 year old life. I now characterize my life in two sections, pre and post-England. Like the difference between Ernesto and Che Guevara.

The problem though is that one of the theories that I now have is not to live in the past. "Push things forward" was my own personal motto. My career was always been to teach, but now I teach people in a different way. I'm more of a mentor, a leader, than a guide. I stand to be an example, and to be the one who corrects instead of critique. I tell them that you're allowed to make mistakes "but you can only make them once." I learned this lesson from my father, once when i locked my keys in the car and he had to bail me out. He told me "don't worry, everyone locks their keys in the car. But they only do it once."

I learned my mistakes, but I know I will still make them. I hope I only do it once. The past is not for re living, it's for examining. So I won't promise anything except that I will try to write as much as possible. I will keep the music thing to a low (I have another blog for that), but that always sneaks in. But I will write about myself again, to be an example. Because in truth that's what I always loved doing. And sometimes, I can be a bit funny.

So I hope we can still be friends, and I hope you still come around to visit. I would love to see you back. Let's push things forward.

The Fu-Funk

2008-04-13T23:00:00.001-07:00

Today we hit an unprecedented 23 degrees above the brrrr, AND I had a day off. So I had to go outside, come on it would've been criminal. I went to my uncle's cabin the boonies of Alberta to celebrate the birth of my 12 year old cousin. I, of course, gave her some CD's so I can save her from her eventual descent to hideous music that everyone goes through when they are a teenager. My sister said she listened to the Jack Johnson CD and she really liked that, so that's what she got from her. I gave her the Strokes' second album and the Juno Soundtrack because they were both 2 for 25 bucks. I hope to save her soon and bring her to the light side, I already successfully saved my cousin Jose, and I hope to be like what my dad was to me. A sage, a wise old music sage.

But this is not what I was going to write to you about. Ok so I did all that and today I went to lunch with the parents (at IKEA which is pretty good for lunch for some reason), then I went to pay Erin for the Radiohead tickets ...wait hold on..

...I GOT RADIOHEAD TICKETS!! After all that fretting my best friend came through in the clutch, and now me and my sis and my roommate and my cousins are ALL going to Vancouver to see them. YAY! So excited I can't even explain....

Ok, so because of that and seeing her and then playing the first street hockey game of the season it became a pretty awesome day. You know what was my soundtrack of the day? Baby Charles. This band is a Fu-Funk band whatever that means. I think it's just a modern funk band, but I felt like I was in the movie Superbad. Driving down to the Whyte Ave, with the windows down, sun shining in my face, looking and feeling awesome. I had a spring in my step the whole day and I owe it all to this perfect record to play. All this guitar funk, and singing, and happy cool vibes. I didn't know if I was in Edmonton or some cool place in California. Anyways if you ever have one of those days, please acuire this album and you will also feel as awesome as I did.

If you can't find her album for some weird reason, then check out Quiet Village's Silent Movie. It's not as funky or happy stepping, but it's a great sampling instrumental record. These british blokes take some old Motown and 70's records and mash it up to create some more 70's sounding and Motown records. Very cool, and very cinematic sounding. It's not something to dance to, or cruise to, but it's music to relax and preferably smoke some weed with it, or like talk nonsensical stuff with at 4 in the morning.

I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor -- Baby Charles

Circus of Horror -- Quiet Village

Work out Muzak

2008-04-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today I was going to take a small break from the GOAT List to express my excitement over getting Radiohead tickets for the upcoming concert in Vancouver. I'm already going to Vancity to see Jack Johnson with my sis and cousins and the Radiohead thing basically fell into my lap by the ever musically reliable Erin. I already saw Radiohead in the same venue about three or four years ago, I don't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was absolutely amazing. Radiohead is one of my favorite bands of all time (I'm sure many of you share the same feelings), and you bet your ass that at least two songs will make the GOAT list. So today I was going to write about how excited I am for this summer and August in particular so I can go to these concerts and go see Vancity and the mountains with my fam and Erin. The presale was today at 11am, and I was there credit card in hand ready to go! I reloaded the page and it took a bit, it was 11:02 when i processed the information. That is when I got the fateful information: No tickets available. Two minutes, two fucking minutes it took for the presale to sell out. This has never happened to me, I have done the presale many many times, never have I seen one sell out in two minutes. It might've been even earlier, since at 11:02 is when I got the message after entering the info and shit, and that's when I looked at my clock in horror. So now I'm exasperated, sad, and anxious to try my luck tomorrow with the dreaded general sale. There will be more tickets then, but I'm scared. Two minutes? That shook my core. But mark my words readers, I will be there, oh yes I will be there.

To get the feeling of desperation and anger out of my system I took the bus to the gym to get some rage out on the treadmill. During my workout I started thinking about first how awesome the penguins are, and that they rocked the Senators today. Second, I tried to figure out what was the best type of workout music. Personally I know some songs that help me get energized and help my workout because of it's repetative nature, fast beats, and long duration. The longer the song the longer my workout will be, because I will be concentrated on that song. The best type of music for working out in my books is electronic music, especially for doing cardio stuff. Weights and general muscle stuff belongs with hip hop. The best cardio songs are generally 130 beats per minute (pretty much the standard for electro/house music) and along repetative beat. Hopefully something that starts slow and builds and builds. Two great examples are Simian Mobile Disco's "Sleep Deprivation" and Underworld's "Cups." "Cups" especially since it's like 11 minutes long and it starts with a simple violing and ends chaotically. "Sleep Deprivation" is great too because like "Cups" it starts slow and then builds. It is also exactly 5 mins long. So repeat that three times and you have a good steady 15 minute workout. Or just play "Cups" and "Sleep Deprivation" back to back. Actually that whole Underworld album "Beaucoup Fish" is great for working out. Except that slow ass song in the middle, uggh.

When lifting weights and doing general muscle manly stuff (and this applies for girls too, being all sweaty and sexy and stuff), hip hop is the best. Big heavy beats, and bad ass lyrics should be a must. Stay away from the R.Kelly and just general R and B and you'll be fine. Maybe some old school Wu-Tang, or just Ghostface Killah's "More Fish" especially the songs "Blue Armor", "Street Opera" , and "The Champ" are great. You just want to feel like destroying armies when lifting weights. Rap music does that for me. Death From Above does that too, but that's more for when doing coke.

GOAT List: Until The End Of The World -- U2

2008-04-11T23:02:00.001-07:00

I love U2. Ok let’s change that, I love old U2, new U2 kind of bores me. I don’t get it, especially when I hear that their new album is a “reinvention” and that they are “back” to what they were before. I don’t know what that means. For me U2 starts at the song “New Years Day” and ends with the album “Pop.” In between is some of the greatest popular rock music of that time, of one generation. Rock wise no one touched them, their albums were amazing (Joshua Tree, Rattle and Hum, Achtung Baby, Zooropa, and Pop) and their shows legendary. Even songs they did for movies that blew were amazing (Hold Me, Kiss Me for Batman Forever). Their fucking greatest hits album was amazing. This where this song comes from, right in the middle of that era. I don’t think this song was ever a single, and some people might dispute it but for me “Until The End of The World” musicifed everything that U2 was about during that age. Achtung Baby is quoted as being about love, and this is what this song is about. Stupid, stupid love. It has a great guitar riff from an in form Edge, amazing lyrics by Bono, and crazy instrumentation by the rest of the band. The many times I listen to this song and I still don’t know what it means, it still has that air of mystery. Is it a crazy girl? Or are we the crazy ones for not seeing her truth about the end of the world? Or does it even matter because it’s about this guy who is obsessed with this girl who only cares about the world, just like Bono sings at the end “I’ve reached out for the one I tried to destroy, but you, you said you’d wait til the end of the world.” This song also serves as a metaphor for the band, the girl being Bono and U2, and the singer is us the fans. “Everyone having a good time, except for you, you were talking about the end of the world,” is that political? Or is it obsession? I feel this way about girls sometimes. Then I feel an awesome Edge guitar solo. It’s a fantastic pop song that sucks you in at every listen, and U2 even knew this because they included it in their Greatest Hits compilation. It’s so good that it’s the only U2 song I need in the GOAT list, because this song IS U2. Well the one that I know and love.

GOAT List: Persiana Americana -- Soda Stereo

2008-04-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

One of the facets that has shaped the way I listened to music was my dad's favorite artists. He was always the one who would play these bands at home and it either steered me to or away from it. Early on it was away, but now I see what the fuss was all about. This song recollects all the things that I hated before but now are part of my musical landscape. The 80's, Spanish music, pop music. Back then I never understood my dad's fascination with this band, but now, well now I see the light. If this song was made in English, it would be an 80's staple just like all those one offers. You would hear it in a weird movie and go "Oh yeeeaah, I love this song" but alas, you problaby would've never heard it if I hadn't brought it up. Not unless you lived in South America in 80's, because there it's a classic. So is this band, who recently had a very successful reunion tour. Ok, back to the song. Well it's protypical 80's, lots of synth, lots of beat, lots of harmonizing, catchy as hell. If it wasn't in Spanish it would've been made by Depeche Mode. The lyrics talk about a guy spying on a girl through blinds, because for some reason 80's band love to talk about creepy things like that. But it's the tone and the structure, the singing, the repeatable chorus, the very 80's everything. It's not cheesy, but it could be. No, it's not cheesy, it's a classic, a forgotten classic. It belongs.

Persiana Americana -- Soda Stereo

GOAT List: She's Electric -- Oasis

2008-04-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

Ok I admit it, I don’t really like Oasis that much. Sure they write some great songs and they do have a knack for creating some great harmonies. But when I heard that all the Oasis tickets were sold out for the Edmonton show, I shrugged and said “meh.” I don’t hate them but I’m not for them, they are in the middle. You know what bugs me most about them, it’s the lyrics. Simple, and just dumb, they don’t make sense. I think they just took a word and went through a dictionary and found the words that rhymed with it, then made a song. All of this is evident in “She’s Electric” but it somehow….works. Why is this song great? So great that it belongs in the GOAT list? Well it’s a perfect little brit pop song, one of the most perfect ones. It’s so Oasis but the good kind, the non brashful and not I’m trying to be the best writers in the world Oasis. The lyrics are retarded, but the tone of Liam is perfect, even his off key chorus is just cute. Especially when he wants to be electric too, and I don’t know if he’s talking about a girl or the sister of the girl, or the mother of the girl. I don’t know, but it’s cute nonetheless. Very Beatles like, you can even hear Paul McCartney writing this. It’s a stand out track in an album (What’s the Story…)full of stand out tracks, one that escapes most people. But right now, if it was released today would strike gold. Even above Wonderwall and Morning Glory and Rock and Roll Star, it took me a while to decide between the lot, but I always came back to this song. It’s witty, charming, modest, and catchy. Everything ironically that Oasis is not (in my books anyways). Argue amongst yourselves.

She's Electric -- Oasis

GOAT List: Black Hand -- Cadence Weapon

2008-04-10T01:18:00.000-07:00

I'm getting into rap a lot lately, but unfortunately it didn't make much of a dent in my GOAT list. I just couldn't find songs that I completely loved and thought they shaped the way I saw music. Even though I'm definitely getting into it, it just sounded all the same. Well that is, until I went through the C section of my library and saw that I didn't include Rollie Pemberton aka Cadence fucking Weapon. Not to be a homer or anything, but in my young rap knowledge, the weapon is one of the most original rappers of all time, and Black Hand is his anthem. All the cookie cutter rap stuff is there, but weirdly not. There is a crazy loud synthesizer start, then a single drum beat while he tells you who he is (typical), but then it turns with the weird guitar loop and other miscellaneous sounds. This all goes on while he raps intelligently about god knows what. But it all sounds so smart, like how he tells you how he's indebted to science, and how he blocks writers daily, and shoot straighter than an atheist archer (?!). What the hell does that mean? I don't know but it's delicious. After all of that, it switches to a slow guitar loop in the chorus "Sounds soft like a pillow for real though, black hand like a thrilla" which he repeats three times. It's hypnotizing, and just insane. High originality points, and something that I have never heard before and probably will never again. For a time it was my ring tone, and it just confused people. I also love how he switches loop speeds and sounds in the third verse (A Cadence Weapon trait), which somehow works. It really is great, and belongs just for the originality and the forward thinking that Rollie brings to a somewhat dead genre now. In other words, it's a great but unlikely ambassador to the rap genre in my GOAT list.

GOAT List: Tomorrow Comes Today -- Gorillaz

2008-04-10T00:59:00.001-07:00

This song belongs in the list, and truthfully it hung in there tight. I thought about 5 times to take it out, but every time I listened to it again, I shook my head and said nope. Why does it belong? Well first of all it has the best bass line I have heard outside of The Chemical Brothers' "Under the Influence." Probably the best bass outside of any rap song, and could compete with any one of them. Even though it has a hip hop heavy beat, and that amazing bass it still balances it with a country like harmonica. It's a like a hip hop western. I don't know if you all know this, but I'm big into little sounds. It's the reason why I love electronic music so much. Little weird beeps, chords and instruments make me think long and hard as to why the artist decided to that in that time in the song. Tomorrow Comes Today has a ton of them, like the violins in the second verse, the harmonizing at the end, the far away banging of a guitar, the whistling. Even the bass itself has a weird actual bass guitar vibe to it, even when you think that there is no way that sound came from a bass guitar. Now, for some reason Blur's Damon Alburn is all over the place in the GOAT list as he should be, but he's never reached as high creatively than with Gorillaz and especially this song. It's clear, it's concise, deep and amazing. It's not pop, it's not brit rock, it's not hip hop, but it's music, and it's good. Hell, it's great.

Tomorrow Comes Today by Gorillaz

Greatest Songs of All Time

2008-04-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

“I’ll make you a new CD” I said, “just name me the subject, like I did with the Instrumental and International CDs”

“Hmmm” my dad contemplated, “Ok I have one, this is gonna be big. Are you sure about this?”

“Pfft, come on. Me? Come on now”

“Ok, this will take up a lot of your time”

“Name it”

“Greatest Songs Ever”

“What?”

“All-Time”

“How many songs?”

“Whatever you want”

“It’s all up to me then, right. It can be anything?”

“Yep”

“Holy fuck, this will take ages. Well not ages, but it’ll be awesome. Trust me” I was excited just thinking about the project. But it was so open-ended, it was all up to me. No problem though, no problem. I was excited again, I mean damn. What songs will encompass all the songs that I ever loved of all time? Hard stuff.

So I made the list, it’s complete. I think. I’m sure I’ve left a lot out and I’m going to kick myself. But it’s not going to get as great as it is now. Doing this list and picking the songs I argued with myself a lot. Had to stick up to some songs, and dump some songs because of frivilous reasons sometimes. Bad memories, or just not great. Good but not great. There was no check list for this. The only check list I made for myself was that it had to be 100 songs (nice round number that could fit in an MP3 CD), and that I could not have more than 2 songs from one band/artist. Or else, I would have like 10 Beatles songs, and that’s not fully encompassing really.

I started it with a kind of history looking list, trying to fit many decades of songs, and making sure I have lots of every type of genre I know of. But then I listened to it and realized that some of the songs were timeless by other people’s standards, but not great by mine. So my list stopped being a Greatest Songs of All Time and turned into My Greatest Songs of All Time, which is much more interesting really. It’s debatable, and you will ask, why this song and not this song. Everyone knows the timeless songs of all time, but not many people know the songs that defined me, that make me keep listening to music.

I remember asking my friend for his greatest rap songs of all time and he almost busted a nut. That was exciting for him, and when I mentioned the assignment my dad gave me, me and my sister and her boyfriend (my roommates) had an hour long discussion into which songs are some of the greatest of all time for her. it excited her so much that she’s making a list too. It has become a continuous discussion around the house, and has even inspired the acronym GOAT (Greatest Of All Time). Now every time a song comes on that’s even a little bit good we ask, “Is it GOAT? Is it in the GOAT list?”

So, I’m going to share with you and hopefully bring you some MP3’s of my GOAT list, and I will tell you, song by song, why they belong in the list.

I hope it will excite you too.

Moved In Haven't Posted In A Long Time Bluuuues

2008-03-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

March 3rd??? What the fuck?!?! I'm sorry.

I call a ban on people covering Beatles songs. You know, even I thought it might be a good idea to start covering the greatest band ever, but I think there should be some limits placed. I realized this when I was watching American Idol.....uhh I mean....ah fuck it I watch the occasional American Idol all right! I even watch stupid shit like The Hills, and Rock of Love (which is GREAT by the way) too. I'm past the stage where I care what YOU think. I'm joking, I love you.

Anyways, I was watching and listening and wondering why are you people trashing these songs? Then the shock, the judges loved it! Even fucking Simon Cowell who should just fucking give up his British citizenship. How could someone who probably lived through Beatlemania could stand for that garbage? Those contestants destroyed every single song, even though they tried to put thier own spin on it. These people are not musicians, they have no right, NO RIGHT to attempt creativity in a fucking Beatles song. Even the best of the best have failed in covering Beatles songs, how about we have pubescent kareoke wannabes have a crack at it? Stupid!

Then there's the people who made Across The Universe which would've been interesting if they didn't try to shove in every single Beatles song known to man, and every Beatles pun and Beatles name. Then they forgot they were shooting a movie and had to write a plot. Bad all around. I guess people who loved the Beatles liked it because it's a Beatles orgy. But I LOVE THE BEATLES, and I thought it was an atrocity.

I believe that if you TRY to cover any Beatles song it should be unique and be very fucking good, or else don't even try. The originals are masterpieces, leave them as is. Don't ruin my already precious memories. Paul McCartney already has enough problems anyways.

Edmonton should be called A-Town. A for Awesome.

2008-03-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

I don't really give my hometown some props as much as I should, but for a hick conservative boring new city, we're pretty damn slick. The first thing I think of when I talk about the outsider's point of view about Edmonton is Chris Pronger, and what damage that asshole did to Edmonton. If you don't know or follow hockey, and say you follow the NBA it's basically the same thing that Vince Carter did to Toronto, except if Carter won a championship the next year with the Nets. Then I remember that not many people watch hockey, and not many of those people will be NHL players that refuse to go to Edmonton because of their wives. In actuality more people listen to cool music and play video games than follow the NHL, so for those people Edmonton might seem like cultural awesometown, much like Austin in Texas. I say this because of two things, Cadence Weapon and Bioware.

Cadence Weapon makes hip hop exciting again, after it's been in a ride to boring city ever since Lil Jon said "yeeaaaah." In his first album he made a song called Oliver Square that makes Edmonton seem like the coolest city outside of New York. Rough, grimy, but modern with those modern beats. Then he makes a music video that has him dressed up as Mario, gets invited to Coachella, and SXSW , signs to Epitath, and still DJ's at the Black Dog on Tuesday. Now he just released this new album called "Afterparty Babies" which is actually much better than the still awesome and raw "Breaking Kayfabe." The lyrics which is the best part of CW are still amazing (he even brags that he knows that his songs are your screen name, which for me it is "is more dangerous that Millwoods" was one of my fave Facebook status), but it sounds like he started learning from Mike Skinner and maybe some electro dudes like Justice and made much cleaner beats. It's much more danceble, much more hit worthy, but still very much the "motherfucking Weapon." The best part is that he hypes up Edmonton every chance he gets. He's our best cool ambassador, after me of course. Need some sonic proof? Go to the Hype Machine and look up "In Search Of the Youth Crew."

Our second best cool ambassador comes from a bunch of nerds that took a building atop a book store chain. Yep, the guys from Bioware make Edmonton stand out much more than the boys in Wayne Gretzky Drive from the Star Wars saga Knights of the Old Republic to the sci-fi saga Mass Effect. They kick so much ass that people in the popular video game blog Destructoid.com were overjoyed by the fact that Bioware was having a job fair for some open positions, this wouldn't be so jarring if this didn't happen in February, in the week where Edmonton had -40 C wind chills. A time where you hoped the burning coffee was secretly leaking to your hands, so you could have some warmth. I pointed this out, and they were STILL happy about it. Especially since the company was voted in the top 100 companies to work for, in the world. They get awesome perks for all the shit they do, and sometimes they even overshadow the mighty empire that is EA, even though they bought them out. A great success story, and a great thing to be proud of in Borementon...uhh....I mean....AWESOMETOWN!

(P.S. I couldn't find a sweet pic of the Bioware peeps, so I hope Kate Hudson's scary awesome ass is a suitable replacement)

The Day After

2008-02-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

One of the worst days of my life was the day my dog died, actually it was the day after. The day of was all such a blur of emotions that it was hard to remember, but the day after when I went to my parent's place and my dog was not there to greet me. That calm sobering feeling which smacks you with a thousand words that you can never find. That was the hardest for me, we all knew that she was getting old and that eventually she would pass on and we prepared ourselves accordingly. But we never prepared ourselves for a life without her. We never prepared ourselves for the day after. That lack of happiness, the lack of smiles, the lack of the 5 second glance where you wonder where she is, and what is she biting. That silence hurts. More than any barking, more than any accidents in the carpet, more than the wall she chewed up, more than seeing her suffer that last bit, more than the last longing glance I had of her, more than any of that, that silence hurt the most.

I'm saying this because yesterday my friend's dog got lost and a car ran her over. Even though she had the dog for a month and a half, it was all she had. There was more than just fur, tail, and a furry little face, that dog was more than the sum of her parts. Now she has to suffer that horrible day after. Where her tiny apartment feels huge, where it's just her and her thoughts. I know that feeling, I know it too well. I feel for her, and I don't know what to say because there is nothing to say. But I have to say something, the silence hurts.

T-Towne Tribute

2008-02-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

I'm going to move out of my current neighborhood back to the South Side, the Hood. My old stomping grounds. But I couldn't leave without extorting the virtues of my little home away from home, the modern, quaint, and pretty T-Towne, the place where NHL players live. So I went out on a relatively nice not too cold day, the day of the eclipse, and took some pics. But first, gangster hoodie Ridley:

Also, Jekyll

Sleep Deprived MSN conversation

2008-02-20T01:23:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when people talk at 3am

Dan W says:
i dont know wat to do
im want to just move all my stuff to my moms
get a job that does not require a uniform
and then become a drifter

Ridley says:
haha....a hobo?
skipping town on a train

Dan W says:
we prefer drifters

Ridley says:
going where the wind takes u?
If I were a drifter I would call myself a Ronin
that would rule

Dan W says:
pocket full of dreams and a can filled with beans

Ridley says:
and a samurai sword

Dan W says:
A man who leaves home to mend himself and others is a philosopher; but he who goes from country to country, guided by a blind impulse of curiosity, is a vagabond.

Ridley says:
yes so true
we beat them

Dan W says:
"Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down / Until tomorrow, I'll just keep a-movin' on."

Ridley says:
that was a dog
and he was cool

Dan W says:
damn it
how did you know!

Ridley says:
dude...I'm old

Dan W says:
but man that shit ended in 85

Ridley says:
reruns baby
that shit was on all the time

Dan W says:
wish i was that dog
except i would ask for sponge baths
and i wouldnt be no stabbin hobo, i'd be a singin hobo

Ridley says:
yeeeah dogs have it nice
except for the whole not being able to go out thing
that must suck
and being a slave and all
but the rest seems bitching

Dan W says:
haha yeah
yo man i cant wait till summer

Ridley says:
DOOOD....I cannot wait till summer
it hurts actually
I took summer for granted
not this year tho

Dan W says:
im actually only working part time and im going to live outside

Ridley says:
live outside?
in a tent?

Dan W says:
havent firgured it out yet
or a car

Ridley says:
car is good
very musician type
like jewel
I wanna move to australia
they have thier x-mas in the summer
sounds like a blast

Dan W says:
yeah i just gotta get away from snow
the only thing i would miss is hockey
thats it
and that can be solved with road hockey

Ridley says:
exactly....and i can teach that there...it'slike cricket but violent and less crappy

I'm trying to remedy myself

2008-02-16T00:44:00.000-08:00

I logged back into POF so I can stopping thinking about her. So I'm going through my favorite list and sending messages to everyone on there, top to bottom, like a carpet bomb. Here's a few:

Hello!
I was so so tempted to put a Borat line in here somewhere, and who knows it might go in there somewhere later, it's still early. By the way, thank you for pointing out that going to gym is more of a necessary chore than something you enjoy. It's like eating Spinach. So how do you keep busy? By going outside? Do you have some sort of outside job that everyone fantasizes about? Wait a minute, is that a Will Ferrell line too? HIGH FIVE! (DAMN IT!)

Hi!
I really like your profile pic where it looks like you're angry at something. I don't know something about angry looks that all guys like (well most guys anyways). Anyways, I just wanted to say hi how are you? Are you from Italy?

Hi!
You know how some people are more interested in what you do for work (pssh, work sucks), or what is your sign? I'm more interested in the part about doing stupid things to make people laugh? Like what? Faces? Dances? Dancing with a face? Singing weirdly? With a face? I'm so intrigued! I must know!

Hi!
For some reason I seem to find a lot of dancers now a days. Why is that do you think? Do you still dance? Or is it just for your cat (by the way, Rey is the greatest name for a cat, was it named after Pele?) I'm sorry too many questions already, how are you? :)

The February Resolution

2008-02-15T23:31:00.000-08:00

I'm going to add more non sequiturs to my speech. I'm going to make it a point to say at least one each day, so I can prove wrong my old English teacher who once said "Why the hell are you bringing that pickle HERE?"

Also,
"I should've worked much harder
I should've just not bothered
I never show up on weekdays
Something that you learned yesterday

Drive you to work; you'll be on time
These little problems they're not yours and mine,
Come on and listen to what I say
I've got some secrets that'll make you stay

I just want to turn you down
I just want to turn you around
Oh, you ain't never had nothin' I wanted, but...
I want it all
I just can't figure out...
Nothing" -- Barely Legal by The Strokes

that sums it up about right.

I am not impressed with Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to get all Jennifer Aniston on you, but two years ago around this time my ex broke up with me under dubious circumstances. I am over that relationship, and I don't give a shit about her or the horse she rode in on, but it still leaves an undeniable bruise, one that just won't go away by rubbing it hard (is that how you get rid of bruises?). But until I get the girl on V-day then v-day can go straight to hell. Everyone has a boyfriend, everyone is happy, they overprice flowers and chocolates. People get depressed over this time for a reason, that's why there is more sucides now and christmas. BAH! HUMBUG on V-DAY! But it is the time for cimamon hearts, and Ferror Rocher. Well the recycled ones from Christmas anyways. So I guess
*sigh* congratulations to all the couples out there who have found someone...yadda yadda yadda

The Hip Hop Mix for the Girl

2008-02-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

Gawd I'm even making mix CD's for her. Bad News I tells ya.

But, tiger style, tiger style

1) Wu Tang Clan Ain't Noting To Fuck Wit -- Wu-Tang Clan
2) November Has Come -- Gorillaz
3) Alphabet Aerobics -- Blackalicious
4) Hood Nigger (The Meters Hood Mix) -- Gorilla Zoe
5) Momma I'm Sorry -- Clipse
6) So Sick -- Benefit
7) HeavyMetal -- Bisc1
8) Woo Ha (Got You All In Check) -- Busta Rhymes
9) Poisonous Darts -- Ghostface Killah
10) Black Hand -- Cadence Weapon
11) Get Yourself High -- Chemical Brothers
12) Mr Mee Too (z.a.k mix) -- Clipse
13) Don't Sweat The Technique -- Eric B and Rakim
14) Rockit -- Gorillaz
15) Rapp Snitches -- MF Doom
16) Don't Say Nothin -- The Roots
17) Blue Armor -- Ghostface Killah
18) Gucci Rock(Vitalic Mix) -- Gucci Mane
19) Dirty Money --Clipse
20) Dangerous -- Busta Rhymes
21) Clipse v/s The Avalaches -- The Hood
22) American Dreamin' -- Jay-Z
23) Geezers Need Excitement -- The Streets
24) Pussyold (Oldskool) -- Dizzee Rascal
25) Ghost Is Back -- Ghostface Killah
26) Insomnia -- The Rza
27) Table Of Contents (Parts 1 and 2) -- The Roots
28) School Spirit -- Kanye West
29) Fit But You Know It -- The Streets
30) Me And My Microphone -- Kano
31) Two Words -- Kanye West
32) Plies v/s The Black Lips -- The Hood
33) Gold And A Pager -- The Cool Kids
34) Fuck The Police -- NWA
35) I Gotcha -- Lupe Fiasco
36) Release Yo' Delf (Prodigy Mix)-- Method Man
37) Stay Positive -- The Streets
38) Hustlin' Hustler (Cadence Weapon Mix) -- Rick Ross
39) Blue Magic -- Jay-Z
40) You Got Me -- The Roots
41) Flashing Lights (w/ Clipse) -- Kanye West
42) So Fly -- The Rza
43) Ignorant Shit -- Jay-Z
44) Mic Check -- Kano
45) Rich Boy v/s Simian Mobile Disco -- The Hood
46) Backyard Betty -- Spank Rock
47) This Is My Demo -- Sway
48) International Players Anthem -- UGK
49) Turn The Page -- The Streets
50) Wu Tang Clan Ain't Noting To Fuck Wit (with Tom Morello) -- Wu Tang Clan

The Inventory

2008-02-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

I was conned to work to the inventory count at my work on the basis that I was "trusted" and wouldn't fuck up no counts. That shit always gets me, even with all the eye rolling and huffing and puffing, give me a good compliment and I'm hooked. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this in a potential worldwide audience. One of my managers promised me that everything would be different, that the last team did it all wrong and we would be out of here at a respectable time, and I should have known not to trust anything those people say, but there I was like a sucker driving on the Henday at 5:35pm on a shitty gloomy day, swerving to miss ice, trucks, and dirt. I had to work at 6pm to ?, that's what the schedule said. The people that weren't working the inventory made it a game to chant "SIX TO QUESTION MARK! SIX TO QUESTION MARK! HAHAHA!" Every time there is an inventory to count, there are promises that it would be done at "2am, 2:30 the latest, don't worry" like presidents in an election. Then we vote to do it, and just like politicians we're disappointed. This time there was hope because there was a new plan with new leaders. We'll have rolling counters! People counting all day, then the last people (me and a few stranglers) will just have to double check. Easy! Hell we'll be out of here by 1am. All this hope, all this promise, all this renewed optimism. All that really never encouraged me to drive at 5:45pm to the Wendy's Drive Thru to get some chicken fingers on my way to the store. I knew, like always, that I would be let down. The reason why I kept the accelerator down to the direction of work and not into bed, is the promise of Booster Juice. Not just any Booster Juice, but Booster Juice from the girl. A girl who is young, a girl who has a boyfriend, a girl who I never paid attention before, but a girl who has now encompassed my head.

I arrived at 6pm, and I got text from the girl saying that her car broke down and it's cold, and I dunno if it's too cold to drive etc. No Booster Juice, but I didn't really care I just wanted to see her. Then I got my scanning gun and I started scanning, and then she started texting, scan, text, scan, text. Texting about her shitty car, and how this inventory sucks, typical small talk but little things like this make me excited, especially when it's punctuated with a "call me when you have your break :)" Those smiley faces are sexy, just like Seth Rogan said. She was sleepy when I called, which is just makes it so much better, all that half asleep cooing. That just reminds of the things that attract me most about her, her little freckles, her swearing, her giggle, in short her tiny imperfections. That has never happened with me before. But this all bad news, all bad news. She's taken and in love. She's also very young. Legal, but young. So much bad news I even tried to trick myself to like another girl that is completely out of my style, a bar star, pretty but pretty vacant as well. Just because she was available, and it wasn't her.

But like an idiot, I made a day date with her today at 10am to help her with her car, then get some lunch. Even though I was SIX TO QUESTION MARK, I was confident I would be good to go at 10am. But of course, the politics of the evening unfolded and by 2:30am, we were not even 3/4 done, the promise already long gone. People have become crazy on a blurred tired mess. My managers were saying crazy things, and doing crazy stunts. Myself, well my hands were moving, but all of it was involuntary. I didn't care what I was counting, nor did I care about the time. My brain was somewhere else whilst I grabbed product and scanned it, with no rhyme nor reason. All I could think about was that I was waking up at 10am today and hanging out with the girl. Her freckles and all her tiny imperfections as well.

Bad news, bad news.

News of The Week!

2008-02-07T22:20:00.000-08:00

The New York Post reports today that Scarlett Johansson has a, "steamy lesbian sex scene" with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's new movie. They say: A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Penelope's husband.

Done and done. Just that scene alone where Jessica Alba is stripping got me to see the train wreck that was "Good Luck Chuck." So here's my 12 dollars Woody Allen, and my 25 when the DVD comes out.

Random

2008-02-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

"Your new schlong will win more prizes!" a spam email just told me. It's completely flattering that this ad thinks that my schlong won prizes to begin with. I wonder what kind of prizes my schlong can bring. Maybe that coveted Best New Schlong award? Or the Excellence in the Field of Schlongerry Awesomeness medal?

Did you watch the Super Bowl? Of course you did what am I talking about. I was so happy to see Tom Brady lose and happy to see those cheating bastards lose the biggest game of the season and have their phenomenal perfect season go down in glorious flames. I watched it with a family of Giants fans and that made it way more entertaining than it should've been if I had watched it at home. Lots of jumping up and down, and standing up and staring intently at the TV. Good times, you know what else is good times? Peyton Manning face in full effect. He's hilariously awesome.

Nutella is truly made for Gods. We`re lucky to even have it here on Earth.

I have never hanged out with gay guys in the past but now that I have a gay friend in my life, saying things like `boobies are gross`and actually mean it, is an enlightening experience. Boobies by the way are great. It`s not like I liek really BIG boobs, but boobies in general are fascinating. Why do they excite us much?

I totally picked up Geometry Wars for the DS just because my favorite video game website www.destructoid.com was raving about it, and it really is a shoot em up of epic proportions. Simple graphics but the gameplay is frantic. All you really have to do is kill everything in sight using both the stylus and the d-pad, and kill things better than the last time you killed things. It's all about getting as much points as you can. It's simple but crazy. You have to play it.

Speaking of games on the DS, ok I'm playing friggin Zelda on the DS and I can't pass the stupid FIRST level with that mouse that runs back and forth taunting me with the key! Why is this so hard? HELP ME!

It's fucking cold

2008-01-28T00:37:00.000-08:00

Today it was -25 C with a wind chill of -35. Tomorrow the wind chill might get to -40, and on Wednesday they are forecasting a temperature of a high of -31 and a low -37 C. I don't know if my car is going to start tomorrow, but because of that I'm going to try to warm it up by giving you some of my favorite pictures. Enjoy.

jPod: The Review

2008-01-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of Douglas Coupland after I found out that's he's some sort of "hip" writer. Well he wrote that one book "Hey Nostradamus" about those people committing suicide I think, I never really read the book. But I did request a bunch of them for last Christmas and got them. The first and my favorite one that I have read so far has been 'jPod" about the weird and wacky adventures of Ethan Jarlewski and his workmates at a big video game company in Vancouver. No, no, not THAT big video game company in Vancouver, because if he did that he would get sued. But it's something like that big video game company in Vancouver. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it starts with an E, and ends with an A. Anyways, he and his band of quirky buddies work in a space called the jPod, because of their name. It's the tightest group of workmates you will encounter, and the goofiest. I want to work in jPod, it seems like a blast. The wackiness that goes on in jPod pales in comparison to what Ethan's life is really like though, he was a pot growing mom, a wannabe actor dad, an illegal immigrant smuggling brother and connections to a ballroom dancing loving Triad member. Oh yeah, and Douglas Coupland himself makes an appearance, in his own book. As an asshole. As you can tell, it's great and it's a great read.

Anyways, since Mr Coupland IS one of Canada's most popular writers even outside of this country, it just means that Canada needs to wring this cash cow to death. Thankfully Douglas or Dougie as I like to call him, that reminds me I have a co-worker named Doug and I just call him Doug E. Fresh. Ok Doulas Coupland will now be called Doug E. Fresh. Alright, let's try again, Doug E. Fresh is thankfully a proud Canadian and a proud Vancouverite so when the CBC decided that it wanted something cool and hip and that has nothing to do with immigrants or hockey, it came to Doug E. Fresh for some inspiration, and Dougie said yes. As a matter of fact, Doug said, I will write the damn thing too. So jPod the TV show was born, which is frankly a great idea. The book was made to be made into something for the audience. It's current, it's cool, and it's funny. It will also play well with the CBC when the US is on lock down mode with the writer's strike. But even without it, it's still a worthy watch, and you can watch them legally at the CBC website. I just can't wait until I see who plays Douglas Coupland.

Also, Alan Thicke.

Reasons 1 through 6 to join PETA

2008-01-22T00:15:00.001-08:00

God = Boring

2008-01-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

You know I have friends who believe in God and that's fine and dandy, but they also know that I'm not really a firm believer in this God fellow, or the Western God anyways. I would say it just like Douglas Adams "Who Is This God Type Anyways?", or like Seinfeld to the more common of people. I would seriously believe in God if God wasn't so unbelievable. Or even cooler, or hipper.

1) The Western God is so unoriginal in his doings that he has become unhip. He's the Limp Bizqit of the God sphere. Always claiming to be all hard and shit, when all the vengeful Old Testament stuff happened like fucking ages ago. Let it go man! He's become pussy in his old age. Even his nickname is uncool. His real name is like Yahweh or something like that, and he calls himself God. That's like Wayne Gretzky calling himself "Hockey Player". I mean, the most powerful, all knowing being on Earth, just called himself God? Couldn't you come up with something better? Like The Awesomenator? Or like The Big Boss Man before the WWF stole it. It's either a really dumb move, or a very pretentious move. It's like when The Music came out. The nerve to call themselves The Music? Where are they now anyways? At least all of the other Gods had like cool names like Odin, or Thor, Or Poseidon, or Quezecoatl. Gods that had actual describable powers just like superheroes. Fuck even the gay Greek Gods had their own JLA type team. And a headquarter too.

Now this whole God emcompassing all aspects of that is totally stupid. At least pass the powers around. You have so many disciples DYING to get like turn water into blood type powers. At least to impress the chicks in bars. Now what if God, and Jesus had like lazer beam eyes? Or like a cool costume? Or had like a badass catchphrase? Like when everytime he smited someone he would say "All knowing, and All Kick Ass!" Now that's the type of God I would back. Turning peasents into fire at will. Now I'm sure all of you Christinites are gonna be like "Well he was all powerful, so yeah he could've done that." But did he ever show it? NO! That's like Superman never using his x-ray eyes to look through girl's clothes. Totally unbelievable.

2) Have you ever heard of an artist actually becoming better when they "found God"? Has this ever happened? Mase was cool, then he found God. Bob Dylan was pretty cool too, then he found God. Even Albert Einstein was cool before he found God. He would then ask grad students about the why's of awesome experiments and try to put religion into it. The grad students would be so depressed that they would kill themselves, and such great experiments would never see the light. All because of fucking Einstein and God. Actually the only guy who remains cool after he found God is Rev Run of Run DMC. But even his Godness could not stop Jam Master Jay from being shot. Actually that "Run's House" TV show is pretty shitty too.

3) Why has God not stopped drugs and AIDS and shit? It's not because he digs The Stones. In fact I'm sure he hates the Stones. All that Keith Richards doing a shit load of drugs and not dying bit is pissing him off I think. So before you say "He's testing us", I think this is bullshit. I think it's cuz he ran out of room in Heaven or wherever and he needed something. So he goes unto St James:

"Man, it's getting tight here. I have to invent something that I will blame on the Asians. So that people will be tempted and be not so good and stuff."

"Umm...ok?"

"I GOT IT! Some..hehe..herbs that cause hallucinations and people, ahem, believers will call a witch craft and totally go apeshit over it. Call it drags, no...drigs...umm..."

"Drugs?"

"No. no. that's not it...umm...drags?..wait did I say that?..Wait, no...muahahahaha...I got it! DRUGS!"

"*sigh* But it doesn't say in the Bible not to do that. And you know the Bible is like...the guideline and stuff"

"Your disobedience disturbs me" Then St James head would explode. But he wouldn't die because he's in Heaven. Do you see the problem here? And do you see how much cooler God would be if he was Darth Vader.

4) Anything that involves God or Angels, is the total opposite of serene. City of Angels the movie? Garbage! City of God the slum in Brazil? Kids have fucking guns! Los Angeles? Polluted shit hole. Anaheim Angels? Rubbish for all except one year. Sacramento Kings? Worst NBA team ever. Angel the X-men? Useless until he became Archangel. Bruce Almighty? Jim Carrey annoys the shit out of me, and don't even get me started on Evan Almighty. Maybe Angel the show was alright, but it took me a loooong time to get into it and it's about demons. Mormons? BOOOORRRING.

5) How fucking lame are you if your own second in command turns against you and becomes way cooler than you? How many albums are out there called "Angel's Bells" or like "Get Behind Me Angel"? None!

But don't fret, I'm here to help, here's some tips God to be better:
- Have your publicist talk with like Maxim or GQ so you can do a spread or something
- Star in Judd Apatow movie, or have like Seth Rogan play you. Maybe have David Fincher direct a kick ass movie about him, with like sweet effects.
- Stop taking calls from George W Bush, and start taking them from Jon Stewart
- Learn how to rap and make a dis record, have Lil' Wayne guest rap in it
- Make a new dance and go on You Tube and produce that shit!
- Even the devil has a gang sign, you should get one too.

But in the meantime God = uncool and God = unbelievable.

Ed Note: I Wrote this like two years ago. I still think it's one of my favorite pieces of work I have done. I shall send it to Smithsonian to be enshrined.

Breakbeats

2008-01-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

I would like to say that my first ever CD was something cool and witty. Something that represented what I am today. Something like Nirvana's Nevermind, or like NWA's greatest Hits, something respected like that. Nope, my first ever CD that I bought with my own money was Right Said Fred's Up. You know the one with "I'm Too Sexy." Yep, even then I was addicted to stupid pop songs, but even with those humble beginnings I could recall the first REAL CD that I ever purchased, the one that changed me from a pop loving nerd to a serious music loving...umm..nerd. That was the Chemical Brothers' "Dig Your Own Hole" and it was the real first popular electronic album. It also paved the way for Prodigy's "Fat of the Land" which is the one of two electronic CD's that everyone owns the other being Moby's "Play." The chem's album introduced me to my favorite type of electronic sub-genre, the breakbeat.

I don't know why I enjoy those two beats going 1/3 difference. It's much better than the shitty music that people call trance these days. With those organs and crappy synths that always remind me of day glow neon bullcrap and whistles. Lots of whistles. Nope...Oakenfold does not do it for me, neither does Sasha, nor Tiesto. Nope. Junior Vasquez has some good beats but nope as well, I do like me some Felix Da Housecat though, but he's a downtempo kinda guy. Anyways, my favorite dance artists and the ones that are becoming (thank god) more popular as the years go on are the more ingenious, the more artistic, and the more inventive DJ's. People like Justice, Hostage, Felix Cartal, Soulwax, Simian Mobile Disco, MSTRKRFT, Villains. All good. And all have this sort of musician's vibe to them, like they care about their craft and care to have the people moving. There are time shifts, random weird real instruments, indie inspirations, and kick ass covers. They are usually rubbing shoulders and mixing some of thier favorite rock songs, or daft punk songs, or mash ups of Michael Jackson. And somehow they are not SO Euro, they come from places like Montreal, Texas, Scotland and France. Not like the snobby British or like Italian. The places where you smell Eurotrash. They're the cool dude who knew a lot about music in college. Usually with like records of Sonic Youth or like Devo, and usually stunk of cigs or weed.

Those guys and gals, they are making music, and they are making me dance.

Olivia Munn is the shit

2008-01-14T10:57:00.000-08:00

Best TV Host Ever.

The Saddest Ending Ever

2008-01-13T23:34:00.000-08:00

To the people who know me know that I am big animal lover. Although I never owned an animal to myself I have been the brother, uncle, and roommates of some great friends of mine. It all started with my first sister Connie who was my favorite sister of all. She lived about 15 years and died from natural causes, but she was such an instrumental part of our lives that months later my human sister got two beagle puppies called Mila and Abbey, I am their favorite uncle. I also am fortunate to be the roomie and sometimes bedmate of two kitties, Nelson and Jekyll, living with my human roommates.

So with that said I have to say that my favorite, most emotional ending to a cartoon comes from the most unexpected sources, the sometimes witty, sometimes funny Futurama. This has been voted as one of the best Futurama episodes and was nominated for an Emmy. It is certainly one of the most emotional coming from a place where emotion is rarely seen. I remember watching this at work waiting for the punchline to happen at the end, but it never came. It also actually made some of the girls at work cry. The backstory is that Fry found a fossilized version of his pet dog Seymour 3000 years later and through some course of events which lead to 3/4 of the episode it's revealed that the dog is fossilized when he's 15 years old, and even though the Professor could clone him back Fry says no. Fry only knew Seymour for three years and even though Fry would be ecstatic to have him back, he thought that Seymour lived a long life and since forgot about him after Fry gets frozen on New Years Eve of 1999. That assumption is wrong.

Watch the ending and have a tissue handy.

Meetings Are Pointless

2008-01-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

Ok everyone meet up. Ok we're all here right? Turn off your Blackberry's and leave them on the table and let's talk about something that's been nagging me for a long time: Meetings, what's the point of it all? Seriously. I think I talked about this issue before but it needs to be said again....Tony? You're late again....Ok have you taken a seat....ok, we're good...alright let's look at this powerpoint presentation I made to present the points *GROAN* Come on guys, I was up late last night doing this. Ok first point,

1) Meetings are unproductive. All this information that I'm about to give to you I could've probably sent off in an email with a "Please Reply" thingy that like reminds Outlook to reply. Or even more "old school," see what I did there, I tried to make it funny? Ahem, ok even more old school is just plain ass TALKING to someone about. How did they get through people in the 50's? Countless of meetings I guess, nope they just plained talk to people, and saved everyone the 2 hours.

2) Meetings are long as ass. If you really need to have a meeting (you don't) they should be one hour MAX. You hear me? MAX. When sergants talk to thier privates in the battlefield it lasts 5 seconds and then they do it. Why does it take 2 or sometimes 3 hours to get through to someone? If it takes longer than one hour, your meetings suck and you're a bad communicator. Get someone else to do the meetings.

3) Meetings are usually geared for the people conducting meetings and not for the people attending them. That is to say that people who come to meetings don't really give a shit about the meeting they are attending, except if the meeting is about them. So it's completely self serving. Especially if you get some outside person talking about some dumb psychological bullshit that has little to nothing to do with your job. That's the worst. That's beyond pointless.

4) The best meetings are round table discussions wondering what is wrong with everyone and let's hash this all out. So why do we have to watch some upper management type lecture us for 2 hours? Meetings are about communication, so why are they most likely all one way? That's not a meeting, that's a lecture. And I thought I finished those fucking things in university.

Ok turn on the lights Jimmy. Ahem, Tony. Wake up Tony. TONY! Fuck, ok. So the uh main point is that meetings are pointless. We really shouldn't have them. Only if it's dire. But I'm just email you everything I need, sound good? Ok time for our social bonding game, then lunch *YAY*

Judging CD's by their cover

2008-01-06T20:36:00.000-08:00

You know how people are like "blah blah blah don't judge books by their covers!" Well that's bullshit, we judge everything by it's cover. So here I am doing the same thing with CD's I have never heard and going to review them strictly on what they look like. This is shit that came out in the last few weeks:

Vanessa Paradis -- Divinidylle
This is a classic example of an arty bitch having her time in the limelight. This is probably her like third album because in her first album she had a smile. Or she had like a puppy or it was like a picture of a sunrise. But now look at her, she's not really mad, but dissapointed at whatever is directly to her left. Probably macho pigs or her ex-boyfriend. Listen sister, that Lilith Fair shit might've been popular 10 years ago, but now it's just sad. At least have a sense of humor about, look at Alanis. She did that My Humps video and that was fucking hilarious. Like Borat said "Give me a smile, pussycat."

Jimmy Keane and Pat Broaders -- Bohola
These specimens are most likely HUGE in the adult Christian contemporary/neo-jazz/neo-world music, because they have the balls to put their fugly mugs on the front. These are two biggest candidates that should not have extreme closeups as album covers. I also wonder how Jimmy/Pat feels being all out of focus because he was considered the ugliest of the ugly pair. That's like losing the retard contest.

Medeski Martin And Wood -- Let's Go Everywhere
Holy fuck, what the hell is all THIS?! I know this is supposed to be like a whole happy image that probably goes with the Mika type music they have but I frankly do not want to live in the world these two invented for themselves. Giant smiling orange bunnies/blobs/wtfs, kids frantically grasping for a hot air balloon with like a nose, and a combover, blue afros? No, no, and no. This is terrifying actually. All the bubblegum indie rock would not make the rainbow ears creepy smiles go away.

Sia -- Some People Have Real Problems
Wow. This is inspirational. You know that weird girl in elementary that talked to herself, stared at the sky,eating glue. Usually they are obsessed with unicorns, like scary obsessed. Yeah she grew up, grew up and someone thought her yammering was NOT certifiable, and was good enough for people to listen. This album cover was not like set up by an arty photographer but it was a snap shot of her every day life. Like a normal Wednesday. Drawing on her face, staring at nothing. It's inspirational because this shit only happens in North America. This girl would be child slavery anywhere else, yep even England.

Justice asked for a guest post

2008-01-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

It's actually the first thing I wrote in the new year. He just put it up.

Read it and show some love!

Crabby Chowder

2008-01-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

This story did not happen to me, but it happened to a friend. I was not even actually there for this event, but this is what I gathered from what she told me.

So check it.

I had like a totally DRAMA filled New years eve. The night started off alright, with me eating some kick ass Indian food for which I can totally handle the spice. So yeah I was sitting there with my sibs and buds, enjoying a sweet dinner with some sweet bellydancer doing her sweet thing (turning people into stone). And my buddy was all dressed up and looking hot too, so I thought to myself "OH YEAH! This night is going to KICK ASS!" It did not kick ass. Well fuck it's not my fault anyways.

Yeah I left the restaurant, a little buzzed from some crantinis I drank. I'm a total cheapo drunk by the by. Screaming at my friends to HURRY THE FUCK UP, cuz it was freezing and it's my birthday. They KNOW that if we don't get to a house by 11pm, we'll be eaten by the vampires. I even VOTED to get them the fuck out of here, but I guess they serve the economy well. I dunno. ANYWAYS, we got to my place at around like 10:30 and I was already bummed because my crantini buzz was wearing off, and my hot friend was no where to be found. So UGGH, no nookie tonight! Even running over that wayward vampire didn't life my spirits, and random violence usually helps.

The party we went to was alright. My friend somehow rented Soundwave to DJ at our party and that Transformer is hard to get, even after like Optimus and Megatron. But they were probably parting themselves to be interested in DJing a house party. Besides with the name, you would think Soundwave was a good DJ. You would think hey?! NOPE. All he played was fucking romantic 80's, and you can only stand that shit for like an hour tops. We bitched at him to play Kanye and Justice and he was like "I hate the new school, it's all about the old school." Fuck him! But I had a backup plan, my friend travelled from Calgary by huskies and was holding a party, and he had frggin Michealangelo hosting his bash. That sounded kickass, but I had to stay at this party for a bit to you know, be friendly and shit. But after an hour of Rod Stewart I had to call it quits! So I friggin left, like fuck them, I'm here for a good time!

So after I convinced my buddy to pick me up, and we ran over like three vampires on the way (YAY!) and his party was hardcore! Mikey sure knows how to party. I was about to text some of my gay ex-werewolf buddies to come out, cuz it wasn't the full moon yet, and I realized that FUCK, I forgot my phone at the lame-O party! So I convince my buddy to go back and my supposed friend, who I INVITED to come out to the Mikey bash fucking starts saying shit in a weird ironic way like "I'm crabby chowder now, and the main ingredient is YOU!" And she takes her jacket and storms off but there was no where to go, so she like stammers towards me and almost knocks me out with her trying to headbutt me. I wasn't having ANY of that, so I pull her by the hair and fucking WAIL on her. All you see is like HAIR and SHIRTS ripping and in the end she's got like a bloody nose so bloody the vampires outside smell it. WELL THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSING WITH ME BITCH! Crabby chowder this!

So yeah, I kicked her ass...ran over some MORE zombies and me and Mikey partyed for the rest of the night. So it was NOT all bad. But still.

True story.

If you couldn't read it all, enjoy the video for Hustler by Simian Mobile Disco

The Best of 2007 list (in alphabetical order):

2008-01-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

"They were the best of time, they were the BLURST OF TIMES?! You stupid monkey!"

Blue Skies, 101, Holiday -- Albert Hammond Jr.
Love Is A Losing Game, Addicted -- Amy Winehouse
Energy -- The Apples In Stereo
My Body Is A Cage -- Arcade Fire
Brianstorm, Old Yellow Bricks -- Arctic Monkeys
Ejercito De Salvacion, Cartonero -- Attaque 77
French Dog Blues, Delivery -- Babyshambles
Leyendecker -- Battles
Electric Worm, The Rat Cage -- Beastie Boys
Hurricane Jane, Hit The Heartbrakes -- Black Kids
Veni Vidi Vici -- The Black Lips
On, Where Is Home?, Flux -- Bloc Party
Gasolina -- Bonde Do Role
Homme, Crosseyed and Painless -- Brazilian Girls
Oliver Square, Black Hand -- Cadence Weapon
All Rights Reserved, A Modern Midnight Conversation -- Chemical Brothers
Bonafied Lovin (Tough Guys) -- Chromeo
We Used To Vacation -- Cold War Kids
Our Bovine Public, My Life Flashed Before My Eyes -- The Cribs
Alcohol -- CSS
Pogo -- Digitalism
Pussyole -- Dizzee Rascal
Away From Here -- The Enemy
Drugs -- Felix Cartal
Not Giving Up -- The Femurs
Navy Nurse -- Fiery Furnaces
Collarbone, In One Ear And Out The Other -- Fujiya And Miyagi
Ghost Is Back, Blue Armor -- Ghostfaced Killah
Fake ID, Keys To The City -- Go! Team
A Soldier's Poem -- The Good, The Bad, And The Queen
Suburban Knights -- Hard-Fi
You Got It All...Wrong, It Won't Be Long -- The Hives
Gorrilla Zoe v/s The Meters -- The Hood
Roc Boys -- Jay-Z
The Opposite Of Hallelujah, A Postcard To Nina -- Jens Lekman
Count Souvenirs, In The Morning -- Junior Boys
Let There Be Light, Waters of Nazareth -- Justice
Stronger, Flashing Lights -- Kanye West
Two Receivers, Golden Skans -- Klaxons
Time To Get Away, Us V/s Them -- LCD Soundsystem
What Would Wolves Do? -- Les Savy Fav
Superwhat? -- Lyle Workman
Come Around -- M.I.A.
Don't Save Us From The Flames -- M83
Russian Literature, Parisian Skies -- Maximo Park
45 And Rising -- Midnight Juggernauts
No Deje Que Le Peje Lo Apendeje -- Molotov
Flakes -- Mystery Jets
Black Republicans -- Nas
Sister Rosetta, Mind The Gap -- Noisettes
Let's Call It Off, Paris 2004 -- Peter Bjorn And John
Suture Up Your Future -- Queens Of The Stone Age
Reckoner, Jigsaw Falling Into Place, Nude -- Radiohead
Hustler, Tits And Acid -- Simian Mobile Disco
The Ghost Of You Lingers, Rhthm And Soul -- Spoon
Soft Revolution (The Stills), Bitches In Tokyo -- Stars
Chemistry -- UNKLE
We Could Be One, Fall Down Lightly -- VHS or Beta
Rock It, Thrilla -- Villains
Magique, Psychic Kids -- We Are Wolves
Little Cream Soda, A Martyr For My Love For You -- White Stripes
The Heart Gently Weeps -- Wu Tang Clan
Heart Of Hearts, Yadnus -- !!!

That's 100 songs by the way, and yes I know some of them were from 2006 (and some from 2005) but they were in my head in 2007.

That's what I'm here for, breaking rules. Feel free to disagree in my comments section.

I am the Resurrection

2008-01-02T00:09:00.000-08:00

You know....I decided what my New Year's resolution would be. I don't really do this because I generally think that resolutions are for the weak. People always say that they're going to lose weight, be more positive, be better with money, or like drink less coffee. Something stupid like that. I am very against things that are stupid, as you should be too. Regardless I made a conscious decision that on January 1, 2008 that I would resurrect this blog that I let wither away in the second half of last year. I don't really care so much that no one would be reading because I probably let everyone who used to read stop caring about the 1000. It's more for me really. My vocabulary has been less than stellar, especially lately when I have been writing these professional emails that sound like garbage. Also I haven't been as witty as I want to be. I want to be King Witty, who rules WittyCity with an iron fist.

So in celebration of the re grand opening of this blog, I am allowing an interview being done on me by the person most qualified to do an interview on me. That's right, me.

Hey Ridley
What up nigga

Why now? Why start this blog again now?
Seems appropriate innit? Start of the new year, why not start it again? Justice asked for a guest spot on his blog and I wrote one for him. It just made me realize how much I miss writing nonsensical funny pieces.

Are you going to change anything?
Nope. Except for the rotation of pictures in the background, I have more pictures to add in, and some of the dead links will be removed, everything will be pretty much the same. I like the template I have already, it's fitting in a 2006-2007 sort of way.

Did you like the new Radiohead album?
DOOOOOYY. Of course I did. Even though I didn't pay anything for it, I AM planning to buy the 80 dollar whole shitload set of it. It better come with like a gold plated vinyl disc or like the Rosetta Stone so I can say "damn that was so worth 80 bucks!"

Any new chicks/birds/dimes/girls?
Nope, just me and the GB. More adventures with her I have to share. She's the closest thing I have to a girlfriend. She even gave me a copy of her top secret hulahoop video. We're not dating though, so don't ask. Yep, she's still smoking hot.

Cool, cool. Sooo...what's new in your life?
Same old, same old. Uh...I mean same new, same new

Things I want people to say about me after I die

2007-10-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

"He lived until 115 and died because someone shot him out of jealousy. He took 6 shots to the heart and he screamed at him "GIVE ME MORE MOTHERFUCKER!" The guy who shot him was so scared he had a heart attack. Ridley died from internal bleeding from laughing so hard"

"That robot didn't know what hit it"

"You know without Ridley, we would have never known the pleasures of Naked Ladies UFC Events"

"I didn't think anyone was going to beat Gretzky's records. But with one leg?"

"I saw Ridley take a crap and he came out with 5 written songs"

"He scissor-kicked Helen Mirren"

"You know without Ridley, we would never have had Grimepunk Metal. That shit is catchy"

"Did he even date anyone above 30?"

"I heard he had sometimes had sex with girls just to raise their self esteem"

"Ridley beat the shit out of me when I wore sandals and socks together. Never again"

"I rather cross hell than cross Ridley"

"Buenos Aires is such a better place now that Ridley invented the no-pants law"

"I was homeless, and I asked him 'Please sir, give me some change.' He lifted me up from the ground, took me to his house, fed me, clothed me, taught me everything he knows, and now here I am. I would not be the President of the Andromeda Galaxy if it wasn't for Ridley"

"I heard that he destroyed Chuck Lidell because he didn't like The Beatles. Threw Sgt Pepper's CD at him when he was bloodied on the ground"

"Gave his mom the moon. He literally bought the moon and gave it to her as a birthday present."

"12 Academy Awards?"

"Yep and 13 Wimbledon titles"

"He caught Osama, using only a paperclip and a lighter"

"His heart belonged to the one girl who resisted his incredible charm. I don't know how she did it. Guy makes Clive Owen look like a leper."

"I did not know one book could outsell the Bible"

"I'm still scared of him"

"I still love him"

The Second Instrumental CD

2007-09-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

I once made my dad a CD full of instrumental music, because I sort of felt like it. So my dad countered with TWO CD's of instrumental music, which I loved. But my dad can't beat me in CD making skills, so I evened the score and made him this mix.

1) Block Rocking Beats -- The Chemical Brothers
2) Bodlizer Bodlisizer -- The Emperor Machine
3) Misirlou -- Dick Dale
4) Rainbow -- Battles
5) The Instrumental -- Joel Plaskett Emergency
6) Fig Leaf Bi Carbonate -- MF Doom
7) Bellhead -- Liquid Liquid
8) Rose Rouge -- St Germain
9) Disco Science -- Mirwais
10) Cassettesingle -- Fijiya and Miyagi
11) Keys To The City -- The Go! Team
12) Cyborg -- M83
13) Villanova Junction -- Jimi Hendrix
14) La Femme D'Argent -- Air
15) Postcard From Purgatory -- The Dears

Mwahaha, your move Mr Bond.

Random post is random

2007-09-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

- I need a new template for my blog. I like the revolving pictures and the chance that I can change my landscape at will, but the design has grown weary. Anyone suggest a good place to get some cool templates?

- Also while you're at it, can you get me a drink? Something refreshing? Maybe some GAMER FUEL (by Mountain Dew)!!!!!!!! While I pwn these Japanese kids on-line on my DS in Worms Open Combat? With a SHEEP BOMB? Baahhh.....BOOOOM!

- I have to do two things tonight, the first priority is to write to you since I haven't done so in a long time. Like let me tell you about this date I had, umm, yesterday:

Ok, so I haven't checked my Plenty Of Fish account for a long time. Ever since I had my one disastrous date with the Finish Girl, I haven't really had the time to pursue my online dating adventures. Every time I check back to my PoF account it seemed worse and worse. One day though I get a message praising my grammar skills on my profile page. Now I know I proof read that sucker before and it's been basically unchanged since I got my account, so yeah it had good grammar. But me? Good grammar? Hardly. In fact I had to spell check the word "grammar" three times right now, because I mis spelled it. Three times. So I found it funny, and I responded back with a "Umm, yeah I guess I'm alright" kind of message. This went on for like a couple of messages, and in her emails and her messages she sounded pretty cool. She's Chilena, she likes 24, she's a self-described geek, is interested in my Batman knowledge, she likes The Hills (actually you're probably wondering "You like The Hills?!" The people who know me well should really be asking "Who's this girl that has tricked you to watch the Hills?"), it sounds to good to be true really. Too good.

So I requested a picture, and she was....how do I put this?....alright. She wasn't ugly by no means, but she wasn't gorgeous either. Whatevs, it could still work. Let's meet I say! Let's meet over nachos in Julio's Barrio which I never order because I WILL eat them all and I will look like a pig. But I like Julio's. Anyways we arrange the date and off I went into the abyss. Let's say that I was charming, witty, came off as honest and dangerous all at the same time. But let's just also say that she was waaaaay into me than I was into her. She just wasn't my type. Lovely girl, but not what I was looking for. I looked into the future as you might do in these type of situations and found that I would eventually get completely annoyed by her. We agreed in a lot of things, but I could not find it in me to be attracted to this girl. When we walked away from the restaurant, we stopped at a t-shirt shop and she pointed to a t-shirt and said "See! This is what my weirdo brother likes to wear! Who are these guys anyways!?" I looked at the t-shirt and I looked at her and said "That's the Misfits." In my mind I'm wondering "What's wrong with the Misfits?" This pretty much sums up the evening for me.

- The second thing I have to do tonight? Email this girl and try to send the vibe that we should not see each other again. Well friendly, but that's it.

- I have been listening to this band called Brazilian Girls, which is almost an impossible Google search because all i get is porn. It's like trying to get the band page for !!!. Anyways, pretty sweet if you like the low-tempo international language thing. I do, it's all I have been listening to. MSTRKRFT did a cover for one of their songs. It's cool yo. So is Cassius' first album "1999" which was one of my first electronic album buys. Ahh the memories, I remember it was that or Fatboy Slim. I think I eventually got both.

- Go get Gugu a new camera, because she really needs to start taking more pictures. While you're at it, get me a Flickr account because mine is full. By and by, it's my birthday today. Send me a present!

I'M SERIOUS!

Typical Wednesday Text

2007-09-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

Jugan: Hey are you goin to Megan's this Saturday?

Ridley: I dunno about Megan's on Saturday. I promised someone I would to the Ivory Club that day. Maybe I could do both if it's not too late.

J: Don't lie to me bitch ass

R: About what?

J: You don't have any other friends

R: I have plenty of other friends. Plenty!

J: I can see it in your eyes

R: Haha. Actually I promised Rania I would go.

J: Don't make people up, at least make it a believable name

R: You know Rania. Tasha's sister.

J: Oh yeah I'm sure Tasha has a sister, and called you....lies lies

R: Yo, everybody calls me. Imaginary sister or not.

J: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy

R: Now you're just making shit up. You douche container.

J: Douche tanker

R: Douche space craft.

J: Douche solar system

R: Douche multi-verse

J: Douche of all existance all everything after existance

R: Douche sub existance and everything beyond the realm of the real

J: Calm down Harry Potter

R: Haha Totally pwned!

J: Whatever man I'll be a douche in your fairy tale world and you can be douche here
.
.
.
.

(after about 5 mins)
.
.
.
.
R: Haha You just said you're a douche!

A Day In The Life

2007-09-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

Today was a closing shift, so I sleep in. I like to treat myself when I sleep in, so I usually wake up at around 12pm. Had some weird dream about some weird guy I have never met and I called him out saying that I "scared him" in my best menacing voice. Ha, like I can scare anyone. Maybe some little kids. I got a text from my friend who only sends me texts if he wants something cheap, so I don't respond. I get up, go to my computer and turn it on, then I go to the bathroom and shower. I do my muscle poses for the day , and come out of the shower with a couple of MSN messages. Rasp thought I sent her a file which I didn't, and I hope I don't have some weird virus, so I run a virus scan. All clean. I hope. GB messages me through her internet cafe since she is sans computer and I tell her I'm sorry that I missed her message because I was in the shower. She says that's sexy and I say "well yeah, that's how I roll....sexily." It was one of my wittier moments of the day so I ponder that for a second when I lose the connection from my crappy internet. I go downstairs, let the cat out, she meows and purrs while I toast some Eggos. Get dressed while they heat up, get me some AJ and some water, pack up my hamburgers I had left from last night's Hills extravaganza. Bring my lunch/breakfast upstairs and eat it while I dick around the net until 1:30 rolls around and I have to to leave for work. This is the best part of my day, and I'm sad it's gone. I tell myself I'll wake up earlier next time so I can enjoy it longer, that never happens.

I get in the car, turn on the iPod and flick around the songs until I get a good one I like, one I can drive with the windows down. Today as it usually is, the Arctic Monkeys. So I head down the Anthony Henday driving like 120 so I can get to Timmy's early. So I have time to drink a coffee before work, I usually never have enough time to drink my coffee and resort to leaving it in the counter. I sip and paw at it for the rest of the day until it turns cold. I walk in to work and I see the girl we call Greaseball. I pray she leaves early, before she says something that will make me want to stab her with my pen. But as always the first thing that comes out of her mouth already makes me want to throttle her. "Umm, can you help out the line...I'm busy." I look at the "line" of two people strong, and flash her a dirty look. Usually I have something better to do than bend to her will, but at this particular moment she caught me just when I walked in when I truly had nothing to do. So put my coffee down and I helped the one person in line while Greaseball was deep in conversation with my supervisor. She wanted to train the new guy who is gonna be my boss soon, overlooking me again. My supervisor who doesn't know how to stand up to Greaseball initially says yes but then regrets it. Greaseball is a horrible trainer, and my sup knows this. So she tells her to do some other stuff while I quietly but confidently take over the training reins. Twenty minutes later and I'm in full teacher mode training this guy and another new guy. I like the first guy since he moved from another department and knows mostly what I'm talking about. He always learns fast. Half way through my shift and he's doing returns and exchanges like a pro. I'm proud of myself since I will take the credit for this. This also bodes well for me because he will be taught the Ridley way which is efficient, clean and superior. I almost have everyone in my way of thinking, but there's still some rebels out there. They will be found and crushed soon. Right now, there's two people up in the counter that come from the Ridley school and that assures me that it will be a clean and productive night. That is, until we ran out of tag tape, and people start losing their minds. I calm the storms and call the techies to start printing tags to the tills rather than the spool, from which it usually comes. Finally people stopped freaking out, we got a manager to clear some product out of the way, and we were back in business.

At one time I was training two people while I was working the line by myself. So at the same time I was helping customers I was also answering questions from the two kids on the two other tills. I must've looked ridiculous to the people in line, while I walked back and forth through tills, thinking through problems while also explaining why I did the things I did. I pretended I looked heroic and in charge. This went on for the rest of the shift between me, the two kids, the other Ridley graduate who looks like Jimmy Neutron and my immediate in charge who is the girl in the green bikini in the last post, who on purpose wears this really tight shirt. I know she does it to tease. It works. I can't get mad at her for anything.

Nine rolls around and we finally get the last person in our counter out of here, and relief spreads through the air. We now have one hour to get all the receipts in, cash us out, and get the garbage out. This is plenty of time, so everyone relaxes, someone puts on some Micheal Jackson through the speakers in the MP3 area, and we all sing and dance to Thriller. Jimmy Neutron says that he's buying two Kanye CD's so he can one up 50 Cent, and then we get in to a discussion about which Kanye CD was better. He says Dropout, I say Registration. Then I had to teach the new kid how to close, which I show him in like 3 minutes. He got it and then I got him to do it. I go to the back to clean out the garbage and I see Chance giving the other new kids his "why I can't be a Muslim" speech. I think it ends with "I love pork so much."I told the new kids to stop listening to him before I go cash out. I talk to some other kid about moving into my department, then we dick around until 10:30 rolls around and we can go home.

I get to my car, go to my parents place, read the newspaper there and wait for my sis to arrive so she can drive me home. My dad says he likes his CD and is surprised that I put Heart in it. I like that song I say. My sis drives me home and tells me some story about the dumb security guards at her job, even a guy who is less cooler than "McLovin." I get home, get undressed, and now I type this to you in my boxers.

This is how I roll....sexily.

The Turn Songs

2007-09-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

I made a mix for my daddee just for the hell of it. I was bored, and I was done with Heroes for the night. This mix is more mellow than my usual affair, but maybe I was in a mellow mood at the time. GB is jealous cause I haven't made her one in ages. You'll get yours soon! My dad also doesn't like it when I don't put the song titles on the CD so I have to continuously go over to his house and label all of them. Hopefully this will help. Also if you want ANY of these songs, you know where to find me

1) Spiral Staircase -- Kings of Leon
2) Cartonero -- Attaque 77
3) Fake ID -- The Go! Team
4) Do The Whirlwind! -- Architecture in Helsinki
5) Reunion (Jason Collett Mix) -- Stars (I got this one from my favorite music sharing gal)
6) Quick Silver -- Future Clouds And Radar
7) Crazy On You -- Heart
8) Atlas -- Battles
9) The Melee -- Beastie Boys
10) Back To Black -- Amy Winehouse
11) Paranoid Android -- Easy Star All-Stars
12) Fu-Gee-La -- The Fugees
13) Satin Chic (Flaming Lips Mix) -- Goldfrapp
14) Count Souvenirs -- Junior Boys
15) Warning Sign -- Coldplay
16) Get Thy Bearings -- Donovan
17) On A Clear Day You Can See Forever -- The Peddlers
18) New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down -- LCD Soundsystem

It's time for a new language

2007-09-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Greek friend has a tendency to make up words as to fit the situations that occur to her. These words are slang to her and the people that surround her. They are also used in a very melodramatic way, because she leads a very melodramatic life. These words are also so useful, flexible, and in our little world indispensable.

Turn --- This word is used in the actual literal sense, of actually turning an object, but instead the object is your mood. Usually it's a turn for the worst.
Ex) "Damn that asshole, make me turn like that", "stop yelling at me, you've turned. You've so turned"

(insert real reason you are angry) Rage --- This is used as a noun. Usually proclaiming the real reason why you are angry or someone else is angry.
Ex) "Stop moaning, you just have Hunger Rage" "Ex Rage!" "Line is too long Rage!" "Facebook Rage"

Kinesis --- This is the Greek word for Asians. This is code so people can vent about Asians without them knowing. Since not a whole lot of Asians also know Greek. Now I don't mean to be racist and generalistic, but in the retail world there is a general dislike for Asians. They are notorious for arguing to the very last penny. Getting price matches for a buck fifty for a 200 dollar thing. Bringing their whole family to shop and hoarding employees. This is so bad that even Asians themselves hate dealing with Asian customers. I'm sure not all Asians are like this and heck this is the reason why most Asians have a lot of money. But still, they're a pain in the ass to deal with.
Ex) "not now, I'm dealing with those Kinesis with the angry faces"

...Itis --- This is the tamer version of the Rage word. This word can mean general annoyance or just tiredness. This is borrowed from the "Itis" that is just used for being tired. Also can be used to describe how someone is looking, as they might have "Itis face".
Ex) "Ugh, I have shoppingitis"

Morbid --- Just as bad as it sounds. It's the worst of the worst. Means also just general grouchyness, also used to describe a look.

MF's --- Morbid FOBs. The worst kind of FOB's available. The ones that actually seem that came straight from the airport to your eyes. The ones that have no idea of western fashion and still dress like they're still in the Motherland. These ones usually hang around in packs, and is led by the hustling MF, the one who orders for everyone and tells everyone what to do. It's also sad to see young MF's, but hopeful because they'll eventually learn.

Clopen --- This is more of a retail thing. Clopening is when you close the store one night and then open the store the next morning. This is the worst shift possible, usually leading to clopenitis.

Of course, all these words are mixable and flexible to your every needs. It's funny because if she wasn't so melodramatic she wouldn't have figured out most of these. If ever you hang around my friend, you will eventually start using her slang. It's really her greatest gift.

Back To Black

2007-08-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with this blog. Maybe I'll turn it into a music blog, maybe I'll start a fresh somewhere else, maybe I'll stop writing about girls and getting in trouble about it. But it's hard to just say goodbye and leave it as is. Even though I haven't updated in ages and that was only for like a Harry Potter book review. Maybe I'll have to start doing stuff and telling you about what I have done more often. Like the time I saw Christina Milian at the Calgary Zoo (whoever that is). Like the time I ate homemade pancakes at 3am. Like someone telling me they are their second boyfriend even though they already have a first one (raw DEAL!). Like the time me and GB went out for dinner with my parasol. Even writing this I know I haven't payed attention to you all as much as I should. I just got majorly lazy. So I'm looking for a new template and a new background and a new design so I can start a fresh and talk about things that are important to me. The music blog sounds more and more like a viable idea because that is one thing I cannot stop writing about, and I will not get me into so much trouble as in the past with blogs in general. Also I want to start up again the Podcast. So people liked it, some people didn't. But I liked it and I'm gonna try that again. So expect some changes soon.

"I only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times...."

Book Review: Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

2007-08-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read the last Harry Potter seriously people, what is wrong with you? I am a slow reader and I'm done. You should be done too. But if you have such things that keep you from finishing (like a life, pfft) then this will be preceded by a huge....

...SPOILER WARNING!!!!!

Ok, ok, are we all good now? Good, because the last book was fantastic. I don't know how someone could've wrapped up six books of confusion and mystery and not leave any holes opened. I don't know how someone could've satisfied everyone's anticipation of the huge battle and the huge adventure that everyone expected so well. Amazing really.

So we pick up from the very Spiderman-ish ending of the sixth book. Dumbledore is dead, Snape kills him and people are still wondering if Snape is a good guy. Harry vows to hunt the Horcruxes and not to return to Hogwarts. Ron and Hermione join them as well. Everyone is expecting the worst and expecting some closure and clarification in the last book. We also expect a lot of deaths (hell, the book has even Death in the title, even though it's really something else), and by God we get them. I think...let's see....umm....5 major characters die, and one major animal. The closure comes almost immediately when we realize that Dudley actually thinks that Harry is not half bad and then leaves forever. The deaths also come around that time too, when the first victim gets blasted (Harry's poor owl, Hedwig). Everything you read about the first part of this book is dooming, even the weird wedding of Bill and Fleur, which gets disrupted by a Death Eater raid. People lose limbs, control, and minds. Nothing seems to be going right, and the three heroes get increasingly frustrated. Harry even questions the quest itself, and how Dumbledore cannot help them because he's, like, dead. Voldemort seems unstoppable, and Dumbledore's almost unbreakable legacy is now seeming a little shaky with a lot of history starting to unwind (did you know he has a brother? And had a sister?). But Rowling keeps the story at pace and is never boring. Something is always happening and it seems like you're watching an episode of "24" because almost every chapter ends in a cliffhanger.

The adventure in which Harry, Ron, and Hermione go to try to destroy the 7 Horcruxes is the core of this book, and this is where Rowling borrows a lot from other great fantasy stories. For instance the sinister locket which they carry, trying to find a way to destroy but at the same time consuming them sounded a lot like Frodo and Samwise to me. The claiming of the Sword of Gryffindor from the lake was a lot like how Arthur got the Excalibur. Even the name Grindenwald, Dumbledore's friend/enemy even sounds a lot like Grendel, the bad guy from the one of the first ever fantasy stories, Beowulf. Some people might get annoyed by this, some might not, but nevertheless it works in the story, and it does not stray from the world that Rowling invented. Especially since the scenes shift from such places as the great wizarding community of Godric's Hollow to Tottenham Court Road in the middle of London.

This is all just tension until they figure out that there are these magical objects called The Deathly Hallows which make the user a "master of Death." Also, that even though he opted out to attend Hogwarts their final stand will suitably end up there. This where the book shines the most. The imagery is outstanding, it really sucks you into the story. Sometimes it made me hum little bars of soundtrack to the battle at hand. The last few chapters are also the book's best, where everything is revealed, where Harry makes his fateful choice, where there is a Seventh Seal-like conversation, and where Harry has his final battle.

I am really sad this series is over, and I hope they will do this book justice in film because there is a lot to go through. It also could be the best of the series with all the setting changes, all the calamity, all the duels, all the deaths, all the different characters and character realizations, all the tension, all the drama, and in the end a fantastic satisfying finale.

Like the book says, all is well.

So krispy

2007-07-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

One of friends gave me a personal deadline about a girl I like. I have til Sept 1st to ask her out. It was the "listen" guy. I believe every group of guy friends should have these three types:

1) The "Let's do this" guy --- This guy always has ideas. At first, you think these ideas are kind of idiotic and childish sometimes, but he's so insistent that you end up doing it anyways. You know that if you don't you won't hear the end of it. But then you have so much fun shooting paint balls at each other, staying until 4am playing poker even though you have to work at 8am, drink a shot every time you score in a video game, watch "Fubar" and recite every line, etc. and laughed so hard that your sides hurt. At first you don't really like this guy because you're like "Yo man, no one's gonna pressure me, I do what I want." But then you live to realize that if you do what he says, everything will be alright.

2) The "Listen" guy --- For some weird reason, this is the guy that you bring your problems to. Maybe he has the He will listen to you, think about it and will say one of these three things:
- "That's fucked up man, I feel ya"
- "Dude, that bitch is crazy"
- "Yo, stop acting like a little bitch"
That's all you really need to hear. Anyone else could say the same thing and it would not carry the same weight as the "Listen" guy. You trust his opinion just as highly as your mom. He is also one of the reasons you follow the "let's do this" guy's adventures because he's coming too. He's most likely what you consider your best friend.

3) The "Everything is Alright" guy --- He's just giddy to be with the group. He'll do anything with a huge smile on his face, and probably has the best laugh of the group. His presence will make you feel better about the ridiculous situation that the "Let's do This" guy has got you in. He's also really handy and has knowledge on things like: how to read maps, how to change tires, who got drafted first in the NHL draft in 1993. Even when things get dire, he will always supply a "calm down y'all" remark, and will be the first to declare how "FUCKING AWESOME" something is. His laugh will make you laugh.

You can have unlimited amount of any of these three, even the "Listen" guy (I, for example, have 2 "listen" guys). But for your sanity you must have at least one of each. You're also not the innocent bystander, you are probably one of these guys yourself. Incidentally this is the exact combination of people that you can take on a road trip. Or else you WILL go crazy (with boredom, or fear of your life).

By the way, the three types of girls in a guy's life are these:
1) Girls you liked before and probably still like
2) Friends of girl #1
3) Girls you work with

"Exit Music (For a Film)" by the Easy Star All-Stars

Hardest Beatles

2007-06-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Close friends of mine,

Chuck Klosterman called The Beatles the most 'rated' band of all time. Meaning they are neither underrated or overrated. Everything thinks they are the best band ever, and everyone is right. So why can't you? Look I know you might they are "boring" and whatever, but I think if you really really listen to them, you will appreciate what they stood for. Ok, ok, they do write a whole lot of sappy love songs and that's why you might think they are "blah" (but so does Michael Jackson and R. Kelly, I digress), but they don't always do that. In actually they have written some of the heaviest, meanest, and hardest stuff in that time. Some of them created trends. John Lennon once said "People have this misconception that the Beatles were not all about the money, but there were some times when I went up to Paul and said 'Let's write ourselves a new pool'" Gangsters yo! Here, here, I will list off the hardest Beatles songs of all time:

- Taxman (from Revolver) -- This is probably the most forward song that the Beatles ever did. The drum line for this song preceded any and all dance songs and was copied extensively by the later bands of the 80's, 90's, and shoot they are still ripping this bitch off. Also, George Harrison kick ass guitar solo.

- Happiness is A Warm Gun (from The White Album) -- come on now, the title is even gangster.

- Helter Skelter (from the White Album) -- At the time The Rolling Stones were giving some competition to the Fab Four and mocked them that they couldn't write a hard song to save their lives. They responded with this. A song so bad it caused Charles Manson to go insane and kill people. That's fucking crazy.

- Money (That's What I Want) (from With The Beatles) --- Again, it was bling before there even was bling.

- I Want You (She's So Heavy) (from Abbey Road) --- One of the many bluesy hardhitters in the Beatles collection, this is probably the hardest of the lot. It has nothing to do with the middle or the lyrics, but all in the last few mins of the song where it feels like it's being sucked into a void.

- Yer Blues (from The White Album) --- The lyrics are mostly "I'm so lonely, wanna die. In the morning, wanna die. In the evening, wanna die." So stop talking about how Kurt Cobain was the originator of suicide rock. This is emo before the haircuts. It even has a catchy mid section, just to mess with your head.

- Revolution (from Past Masters vol 2) --- This is a B-Side but it's probably the most famous b-side of all time (Good Vibrations being a close second). They call out Mao in this song. Not even the hardest of gangster rappers would call out chairman Mao son.

- Run For Your Life (from Rubber Soul) --- With all of that, this is the meanest and scariest songs the Beatles ever did. It's a song warning the girls of the Beatles that if they ever cheat on them, they will kill them.

- Why Don't We Do It In The Road? (from The White Album) --- Like the pioneers they are, the Beatles wanted people to have sex anywhere they wanted to. No one will be watching us, they say. This is a panty remover.

- Drive My Car (from Rubber Soul) --- In the vein of Taxman, this is just a damn good rock song. Even in their short careers they knew the pleasures of hitting up gold diggers.

- Day Tripper (from Past Masters vol 2) --- Might be another song about suicide. But catchier. The emo bands of the later 2000's took a lot of notes.

- Tomorrow Never Knows (from Revolver) --- A backwards guitar solo? That's motherfucking crazy. But not only that, this song was the architect of drum and bass and all the drum loops you hear now a days. This song was done in the mid 60's and it still sounds ahead of our time. Again though, a backwards guitar solo!

- Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise) (From Sgt Pepper...) --- I read an article about Run DMC naming his favorite albums and he said this one, and he signaled this song in particular for being the orgins of rap. Boom boom cha, boom boom cha, "it was twenty years ago today" boom boom cha "sgt pepper taught a band to play"...i mean that's a fucking rap song.

Ok I think you get the point by now...so what the hell are you waiting for? I'll let you borrow Revolver and The White Album and then we'll discuss. Alright?

With Love,
Ridley

P.S. Jessica Alba
P.P.S. Gugu

This is to my friend Philson

2007-06-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dear David Stern,

Congratulations on the end of the worst season in NBA history. You must be proud. Actually you're probably feeling like the principal at the end of Mean Girls when he said "I know I'm not alone when I say that I'm happy the year is over." From the whole new basketball you introduced and then aborted like the mutated child you bore, to the realization that some college teams could dismantle 3/4th of the Eastern Conference. From the horrible tanking of some teams at the end of the season so they could get their hands on Oden or Durant, to the awarding of the MVP to a player who not only choked so bad in the first round of the playoffs, but was part of the worst collapse of an NBA team, not seen in a long time. Then came the ridiculous Amere and Diaw suspensions which completely took the air out of the most important series of the playoffs, to the worst, most one-sided finals in NBA history. That was not even an entertaining sweep (e.g. Pistons over Lakers) but just a horrible sweep that saw ratings dip way below, even with the next coming of Jordan playing in it.

But don't worry Dave (may I call you Dave?), I'm here to help you. First of all, change the seeding of the playoffs so that the highest ranked teams play the lowest ranked teams at all times. That way you won't have the Finals decided in the second round as it did this year when the Spurs played the Suns in the second round. I mean you want to create tension towards the finals right? So when a team like the Suns play the Warriors (in which could've been an awesome second round matchup) and the Spurs play the Jazz, they would be creating momentum towards the conference finals. Then if the Spurs and Suns play each other in the conference finals, they would already be the best two teams in their conference. How could you justify the Jazz moving on the conf. finals without beating the top two teams remaining? How? I mean I know you like to think outside the box and thus far it's been successful, but every other sports does this because it makes sense. Come on now!

Second of all, didn't it disgust you how teams were tanking down the stretch? Which made it even more ironic because the worst teams in the regular season were no where near the top two. Anyways, I think you can cut some games and introduce a wild card playoff for the last two spots in the playoffs. Where teams 7 to 10 play a best of three series. Wouldn't this be exciting? And it would give the 1 to 6 teams time to rest and maybe a 10th placed team could make the playoffs. The teams would be battling to be 10th ranked and above for a chance at the playoffs. No excuse for teams trying to tank.

Thirdly, and this I think should go to all sports. The MVP of the season should be decided AFTER the playoffs and the playoffs should be a consideration for this mantle. After all it's for the WHOLE season is not? Therefore Dirk would not get the MVP because he tanked so bad in the first round, but someone like Steve Nash or LeBron James would get it. They would deserve it too. You can also award a playoff MVP as well, because someone like Tony Parker or Tim Duncan would not go unawarded.

Now Dave, I know things are looking up with people like Oden and Durant, the possibility that KG and Kobe could be headed somewhere else, maybe to the East! But take some consideration as to what I have said. You don't want this season to happen again. Do you?

With love,
Ridley

Icky Thump

2007-06-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

After the whole weird album was "Get Behind Me Satan" it sounds like Jack White finally got all those weird vibes out. He finally sounds like he's having fun behind that powerful guitar of his. He's got licks and sounds to die for but in "Satan" it sounded like he wanted to experiment with Brazilian instruments that his wife lend him when some homeless person sold it to her for American dineros. He forgot that the Stripes were supposed to be a blues band, a pop-blues band. I guess he finally realized that to be really punk rock you really don't have to give a damn. That's why Meg is in his band.

Do me a favor though and skip the pretty good single and the kinda boring "You Don't Know What Love Is" and start at song 3, the sweet stomping "300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues" a song that would not seem out of place at the start of some romantic growing-up comedy. Then it goes on to the Mexican, punk rock anthem "Conquest" in which Jack tries to make his guitar sound like a mariachi band. Then it goes to "Bone Break" and then for some reason your head starts going up and down to the beat, a big smile goes to your face, and go start air guitaring. Finally! A rock song! Makes listening to "Satan" seem worth it. Of course he kinda ruins in with the kinda semi serious but silly "St Andrew." But gains it back with these rocking 2nd half.

Anyways, I'm glad Jack is in old forms again. Which makes me more excited for this crazy Canadian tour (Nunuvat? Nuts!) because these new songs sound like they were made to played in the crazy style that Stripes endure. It sort of seems like Jack was forced to listen to the old White Stripes before "Elephant" and told "Remember when you rocked harder than any 5 piece metal could? Remember when you were from Detroit?! Remember when you thought you hated technology? And the internets?"

Maybe it was his conscious, maybe it was Satan.

Vote Cherashny!

2007-06-05T17:10:00.001-07:00

Ok this guy looks like a drugged out soccer player who got expelled from his league for headbutting a fan. Then took out his anger on his gut and his mind. I can tell that the idea for running for governor was induced in a cocaine haze, he filled out the paperwork there and then. After figuring out what he did he said "Fuck it! I'm gonna change the fucking world" (but in Spanish of course), and then decided that his slogan should say "Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, and Rock and Roll" because that's how he rolls, therefore the sector should too. I don't care if I hate Argentinians, I'm voting Cherashny!

(This photo I stole from the only Argentinian I love: Gugu)

"All Rights Reversed" by The Chemical Brothers.

We'll meet in russian literature

2007-05-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

"Chivalry is dead. And women killed it" --- Dave Chappelle

I got into a discussion the other day about chick flicks. I also got mad. I got mad at the realization that most of the girls at my work, some pretty reasonably intelligent girls at my work, adored these chick flicks. I saw The Holiday the other day with my friend who had it and we were bored and she wanted to see it. It had Jack Black in it, so I thought what the hey. What a mistake. Worst movie I have ever seen. It was so predictable and so pompous and so "perfect." It had everything a girl would ask for in a man, even a fucking man crying. Of course my friend loved it. Then I quizzed other girls and they loved it too. This is horrible because these type of movies give the wrong impression of what guys are. They give the fantasy version of a perfect guy, and I realize that the guy movies give the wrong impression of girls, but we as guys know this. We know there's not many girls who will have a killer body, tell his guy to go kill yourself for country, then do it doggystyle. Girls for some reason have the impression that everyone should act like Jude Law. For fuck sakes he even gets away for lying to the chick that he had three kids. Give me a break. Then there's every girls most favorite movie "The Notebook" and it's the most unbelievably romantic movie ever made. And this is girl's version of what romance is. What guy can compete with that? In actuality the most realistically romantic movie is "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind." Both characters have faults, when they were together it was sometimes disastrous, but they found out that without each other there was something missing. The last lines of that movie "....I'm really messed up y'know?" "Okay" are perfect. That's realistic, romantic, and doesn't make the guy or girl look bad. Perfect. One of my favorite movies.

I got beat to asking this girl that I was supposed ask out this weekend. The good thing was that I found out through the magic of Facebook and that saved me some unnecessary embarrassment. There is a line to be crossed when you ask a girl out that can never be uncrossed if you know what I mean. Especially if this girl is friends to other people in your group, and which would probably end in awkwardness and fuck that shit. I'm not being a chicken shit as rasp proclaimed I am, is just that I'm picking my spots. I will eventually try again, when she's single again. I feel like I still have another chance, but slowly I'm finding out the faults and kinks in her armor, and I'm positive my close friends would disapprove of this joining if it were to happen. But like Jim Carrey said that's ok. I can't live my life feeling nervous about tomorrow. Besides, I gave her underwear. That should count for something.

By the way, I won some Police tickets and pictures will come soon. Everything is coming up Ridley.

"Not Giving Up" By The Femurs

They say you want a revolution

2007-05-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Sorry about that. I promised you I was going to write more and in the end I wrote less. Terribly sorry. But the matter of fact is that I'm busy. Or I was busy. Anyways, I'm here for you now. I'm all yours. I swear to you. Pinkie swear. Boy scout honor's. Even though I'm not a boy scout I can tie knots like it's going out of style. Let's random, random it old school!

- Bill Simmons: "You know it's weird how little towns are like that. Look at hockey and Edmonton who makes Winnipeg look like Montreal, but yet they have the best fans in the league." I feel bewildered/proud.

- So it's Ottawa and Anaheim and my sister just reminded me that it's Pronger v/s Comrie. Who to cheer for? Who? I vote for the Sens because Comrie's ordeal was more of a typical whiny sports player, and one that has happened to a lot of other cities and teams. The whole "I think I deserve to get paid more because I'm from Edmonton and my dad owns the Brick even though I'm completely mediocre and proved it" was just plain annoying. We did alright without Comrie. The Pronger thing on the other hand was pure hatred. How many teams can say that an all-star calibur player, one of the best at his position, hated the city and team that he played and demanded a trade, even though he signed a 5 year deal. So we basically gave a team an all-star player locked in for 4 more years at a cheap price that now is taking that team to the finals. The hatred for Pronger is stronger than the annoyance of Comrie. Besides the Sens are Canadian. If the Oilers can't do it, the Sens would be the second Canadian team I would rather see lift the Cup.

- It's funny how this little game of life turns out. My ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating with my best friend and my ex-boss when we broke up. Both of which were false. Now I'm dangerously close to living with my best friend AND dating my ex-boss. I swear it's not out of spite either. It all just came to a "huh" conclusion. Like it was meant to be. Maybe she planted the ideas in my head! Like some sort of masochistic reverse psychology trick! Oooooh!

Actually it would be kind of funny wouldn't it? All the time she was scared that I was seeing these two girls who at the time had no idea that I was in a fictional relationship with them in my gf's head. I can't imagine what would go through her head if she ever finds this out. Maybe thoughts of "I Fucking KNEW IT!" But of course she didn't. Actually I'm having a tough time to say to this girl that we should go out. I can find the words, I just need the sound, the courage. There is also a 50% chance that this will all end in tears. But there's no point in pining over something I haven't tried right?

Right.

With love,
Ridley

"Fu-Ge-La (Refugee Global Camp Remix)" By The Fugees

Swear to me!

2007-05-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

Dear the people who created Spiderman 3,

I had some faith in you, that all the reservations I had with this movie originally were going to be alright. Because you didn't screw up before. Even the casting decisions (except for Kristen Dunst) were ok. Then we found out Venom was going to be in the movie? Effin amazing. A little too early I think, but it might work. After all you have mentioned the name Eddie Brock before and you started the plot with Mary Jane's boyfriend going to space. So logically it made sense. But then I heard Sandman was going to be in the movie too...oh ok....and then Spiderman 2 ended with Harry discovering the Green Goblin gear so he was going to be the new Goblin too...right. So why introduce Venom? It smelled a lot like how Bane was introduced in Batman And Robin. Bane broke Batman's back in the comics, in the bat cave no less. And we all know how B&R turned out to be. But I mean, it's Raimi! They haven't fucked up yet. Everyone questioned Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker but it was inspired. Three villains though? Venom is not even in the trailers? Maybe he'll be a hokey after thought? No, no...not this franchise.

Raimi, your godless tower of Babel has fallen to pieces. Three villains is too much! They would've never let you put three villains in Spidey 1 or 2, why now? You power hungry bastard! I guess all that press you read about how you made superheroes human and that's why your movies mattered went to your George Lucas sized head.

Just because someone cries does not mean that they're "human," it just means that they are a "pussy." I don't want my superheroes crying. Anytime. Anywhere. Especially not five times. Even the fucking villains cried. Fuck. Did post 9/11 New York become a diaper full of babies?

Batman would never have cried. He also would've never let a fugly bitch like Mary Jane affect him so much. Batman also would've never forgave any of the villains as Spiderman did. He would've have no remorse in bataraing Sandman, Venom, and Harry in the face. Then sexing their girls.

He's not scared of revenge, he embraced it. That's why The Dark Knight will kill.

I'm sorry Raimi, I didn't realize how unhappy I was until now.

With love,
Ridley

P.S. Hot Fuzz? You had me at "Granny getting drop-kicked in the face"

!!!

2007-05-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

Seriously, one of the best shows I have ever attended. Great company too. With a great French look.

"Must be The Moon" by !!!

Bend over Beethoven

2007-05-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in a kind of nostalgic kind of state. Thinking of how things would've been a year and a half ago. With the friends who turned their back on me. It's easy to say "just forget them, what's done is done" or in the eternal words of the philosopher Paul McCartney, "let it be." But it was almost a decade with them. It was 6 years with her. How could I block that from my mind? How could I let it be? I miss having something to do every night I had off, I miss sharing music compilations with people who would appreciate a Bloc Party/Streets remix. I miss having someone there I can count every night. I miss having a girlfriend. I feel it everytime I see roomie and ms roomie kissie kissie each other. I felt it when I made a mix CD for work and everyone scoffed. I felt it when i said I was going to see the White Stripes and no one jumped around in glee with me or had to pick up their jaw off the floor. It was quite evident on Saturday when I had butt nothing to do that I could've used some of those people there.

But then I got a slurpee and I watched Leon The Professional and I felt better.
Tomorrow, !!!.

"Yadnus" by !!!

Whatever happened to my rock and roll?

2007-05-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to bands like Death From Above 1979? Heads Up is an amazing 15 mins of sound. Too Much Love is one of the most perfect punk metal songs of all time. Balls out punk bands that sounded like a machine was going through your eardrums? But in a fun way? Like a band you would be proud to be in? A band that does not seam to know how to make sentimental shit about politics or whatever? Maybe that's why they quit, because they were so hardcore. Now they just make hard core dance and alt-folk. Somehow I'm not surprised.

Whatever happened to Roberto Luongo? Could you not pick the worst way to lose the last game of the season? On some fluke goal from the blue line? Before losing a two goal lead? At home? Then stinking up the joint in Anahaim? Barely getting by with another flukey goal? I was pulling for you Bobby Lu. Now you're stuck at home, cheering on the Warriors like everyone else. Maybe even trying to get a real beard. Like Baron Davis.

Whatever happened to the natural girl? The one who looks like their hair did not come from a bottle? Or the one with actual opinions that don't have to do with celebrities? The fireball that isn't a bitch. Or just the one who loves to party but doesn't drink. The one who the frat boys ignore, but the real men know where it's at. Where are you?

Whatever happened to cool band names? Like The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? Or Riot In Belgium? What about cool rap bands? Like The Fugees for that one awesome album? Oh you didn't know it was a classic? Go listen to The Score again. Ninja please! Rap people are so hard to please. Finally a band arrives like Spank Rock which is the ultimate party rap band and they are continuously ignored in the rap circles. Putting them up with indie bands. Too fickle that they are missing a jem. Same goes with Cadence Weapon. His beats are ridiculously sick, and crazy too. Too crazy it seems.

What happened to writing like you mean it? Writing with passion? Books that are fun but meaningful? Not just trying to be meaningful. There is a difference.

"Weapon Of Choice" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

My answer is get out of my car

2007-05-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

This is a post about Heidi and Spencer.

Yesterday I was discussing the values and merits of great TV shows. This is a discussion we get into after we discussed such topics as "Anchorman: Greatest Comedy Movie of the last 10 years? Or All Time?" and my roommate couldn't compete with the quotes. My other roomie then mentioned that she had a headband like L.C. from Laguna Beach. Roomie 1 made a sour face and said something about people getting dumber watching those kids. Then I countered that Laguna Beach is actually pretty fun and the Hills is actually one of the highest rated tv shows. Then he said something about "rich whiny kids doing ridiculous things" but the kids are in high school, and come on, we were all ridiculous in high school. The rich thing gets panned out a bit and it does pisses you off for like 5 minutes until you start thinking "You know, I fucking hate that Stephen dude. Why is he even PRETENDING he likes Lauren?" So it begins.

I think everyone begins a sort of "I hate everything that is not critically acclaimed" phase when they turn 25. You don't watch anything in the movie theaters anymore, except if the movie theater is a run down art school one. Or you stop buying CD's in HMV but instead pay 3 dollars more to buy it in some indie record shop. You sincerely buy a record player thinking you will buy records and even more outlandish, play them. You "phhffft" and "huh, yeah right" at blockbuster movies even though you secretly really really want to see what Venom looks like.

But I am here to say that you can have it both ways, up-tight 25 year olds. You can enjoy cheesy rubbish and enjoy films by Darren Aronfsky. You can watch "The Sopranos" and wonder about it's metaphor on life, and watch an episode of Deal or No Deal and yell at the TV. What's fun is fun is what I'm trying to say. Your sanity is secured. No one will berate you for thinking that Kristin is such a slut, because while they might make fun of you, you can call them out on it when you go over to their place and see that they have season 1 and 2. Once you get past the whole "I'm pretentious and higher than thou, especially thoust children in California" then you might start to enjoy yourself. It's a stupid show, but still enjoyable. I proudly say that I used to go to my friend's house to watch the Hills every Monday, and now that it's gone I feel a sad hole in my little heart.

Besides it always gives you an advantage in the female area if you can properly dissect the relationship between Jason and Lauren. Trust me, I know.

"(Antichrist Television Blues)" by The Arcade Fire

I want to sleep in the city that never wakes up

2007-04-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't written to you in a while. That's probably why I haven't got many hits. Maybe it's the whole blogging community feeling a little down lately. I don't know what it is but it feels like a lot of people have stopped blogging and even worse stopped looking at other people's blogs. Maybe it's not cool anymore, maybe we finally ran out of things to talk about, but I doubt it. We always have things to talk about but I think we have resorted too much into the mundane details of our lives that it became kind of boring. People switched out. Maybe we've been on Facebook for so long. I know I have. Well I have three words regarding this decline of the blog:

Fuck that shit.

I'm going to be the one that proclaims that I'm bringing blog back (you motherfuckers don't know how to act). Actually I am promising you that I will blog about something at least 3 times a week. At least. It will probably be more. I'm sick of bloggers taking a week to update, those bitches. Or the people that talk about their cat, knowing fully well that the cat that I have is the illest. So write it down, three times a week. Paid in full. Like Eric B. and Rakim.

Oh yeah, if you ever wanted to ask me something I can give a dumb answer to, holler at your boy.
Today your love, tomorrow the world.

"Dirty Money" by Clipse

Keep your charm where I can see, and your arms where I can't

2007-04-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna answer some questions I found in a book:

Would you rather... have a sinus infection where anytime you sneeze while in the presence of others, they change sex or have the inability to distinguish between babies and English muffins?

Both powers seem to cause annoyance but the relative annoyance can be measured with how many times do you sneeze with how many times do you see English muffins/babies? Now if I was stuck with the first power, then I would make it a habit to sneeze in front of men, just to see them turn into women. It would funny and there is a possible chance that they could turn into a hot woman. But since you really can't control that I would pick the second. The only real time I see an English muffin is at McDonalds when I order an Egg McMuffin. Meaning that the only real time this would become an issue is when there is a mother and a new born baby ordering an Egg McMuffin. Then there would be me thinking "why is she holding an egg mcmuffin ever so gently?"

Would you rather... be unable to perform sexually unless witnessed by a major league umpire or have daily phone sex with Henry Kissinger?

Having Henry Kissinger's weird voice while I speak sweet nothings in his ear are torture enough and I would problaby laugh every time, either that or run out of ways to say "I love to do (insert sexual verb) with your huge glasses" so that option is completely unavailable. I don't think it would bother me if I have to have sex with an umpire watching me, especially if he says "STTTTTRRRIKE!" every time someone orgasms. I think the bigger problem with this scenerio is how do I find a major league umpire in time?

Would you have sex with all the Supreme Court justices in order for you to gain the official title of "Cap'n"?

I would only do this if I this title is everywhere, including driver licenses, degrees, resumes, etc. I would make everyone call me Cap'n Ridley. This would be a problem if everyone knows that the only way to earn this title is by sexing up Supreme Court justices, then I would pass.

Would you rather... be unable to undress without the aid of former Edmonton Oiler great Esa Tikkanen or have optic nerve damage which causes your partner to appear as Mao Tse Tung during sex?

Mao Tse Tung, god damn. That would be a curse upon a curse. But even though if Esa's for it, I have no problem. I think I just would be extremely annoyed that I need someone else to help me undress. This could be anyone. But if anyone has to do it, I would be honored that Esa be that man. He's so charismatic that undress be an event every day. I'm sure even the ladies wouldn't mind having Esa undress me than their own teeth.

Would you rather... be able to communicate with the dead , but have to converse solely in "jive" or have a "save game" function for your life?

This one is actually hard. Both options are useful in great ways. Imagine conversing with great politcal leaders, rock stars, and just great dead people. Be a messenger for the dead. The jive thing is put as a bad aside but I think it's a bonus. Talking jive in general is fucking cool on it's own. Imagine having to talk jive while talking to the dead. Amazing. Now the "save game" option on your life is great, I'm just worried of how it works. Does it work like Zack from Saved by The bell? Where time stops? Or do you basically "save your game" then attempt the hard ass miniboss (getting the supermodel's number, getting the raise, getting caught speeding) then if you fuck up, you can do it again. Cuz that's what I use the "save game" feature for and that would be amazing. What also would be amazing? A real life Konami code.

Would you rather have... a bald sidekick to slap around or an elk that poops beat-up Buicks?

Bald sidekick for the win. Just as long as he's not in the annoying variety, like the little dog in those old Warner Bros. cartoons (SPIKE, SPIKE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TODAY SPIKE!). Just as long as I get to slap his head and be little enough to lean on it I would sacrifice a whole slew of Buick pooping elks (That's actually a scary image).

Would you rather be stuck in an elevator with sweaty sumo wrestlers or talkative accountants?

I think if people are talkative in general they become annoying. But it also depends on the mood I'm in. I would probably find it amusing and join in on their discussion of t4's and credits and what ever those crazies talk about. Maybe get them to open up a bit and see what they're really about. Maybe they have a rock band called "Fill the Ledgers!" with Ledger groupies they like to call Ledgies. You never know! Sweaty sumos on the other hand? Uggh.

Would you rather... deliver the greatest speech of your life only to realize your zipper was down the entire time or just confess your love for someone over the phone only to find that the person on the other end was NBA great Ralph Sampson?

Both options are not as terrible as they seem. They're more oops funny. But in my mind it takes more courage to profess your love to someone than to deliver a great speech. Both take planning, but the speech thing is more heroic than waiting for someone to say "umm..no" especially if it's NBA great Ralph Sampson. Besides if it's really the best speech of your life then the low zipper will be forgotten after a couple of minutes. The funny thing though is that Ralph Sampson will one day recall someone calling him to profess their love to him then saying "umm sorry, that wasn't for you Ralph. But you're still pretty cool." It's a coin toss really.

"Temptation Greets You Like A Naughty Friend" by the Arctic Monkeys

Sounds soft like a pillow, for real though

2007-04-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

I hate chain letters or chain notes or whatever those things are called. Especially when it came in a time when that's all you would get from someone, not a real email just a fwd claiming that you will lose your only love if you don't send it to like 50 different people. I don't even know 50 people, let alone 50 people that will tolerate getting a fwd from me. But those emails that ask dumb questions about yourself is golden for the time wasting part of my brain. I always get suckered to fill them out, trying to out-witty myself from the last time I did one of those. I don't know if there is a witty answer for the question "Coke or Pepsi?"

In the past few days the concept of "professional friendship" has been a recurring theme. The people at work think that I should not hang out with people outside of work. It causes favoritism, especially in the position that I am. Higher than the others. But truly it's not a problem. It's just a coincidence that the people I hang out with are the smartest of the bunch. It's really the reason I hang out with them. The other people piss me off to the avail that I can't talk to them outside of work and not be reminded of the fuck up they did 3 hours ago. To be completely honest how can you distance yourself with people you see 40 hours a week. People you basically see all the time, and if you don't see them you think about them. Even if you don't want to. They haunt your dreams. So it's only natural to become friends with these people. Especially the ones with the bigger breasts. Why is that such a big deal?

Ok dating your co-wokers. Especially someone below you is dangerous. But chicks dig dangerous. So it's a catch-22. Maybe being below is not so bad.

Here are the songs from the previous post:
The title is from "Baby You're Rich Man" by The Beatles
The intro is from "Kick Up The Jams" by the MC5 (Only one of the most famous openings of all time)

"Blackout Falls" by Deaf Stereo
"Skin on Skin" by Queens Of the Stone Age
"Dirt Off Your Shoulder" by Jay-Z
"November Has Come" by Gorillaz
"Wake The Town" by Rocky Dawuni
"Baby Said" by Hot Chip
"Lindsay Lohan" by Spankrock
"Time" by Pink Floyd
"Taxman" by The Beatles

(Blistering guitar solo) See the extended works of Jimi Hendrix

"We've Got a File On You" by Blur
"Be Easy" by Ghostfaced Killah
"Oliver Square" by Cadence Weapon
"Modern Love" by David Bowie
"Trains To Brazil" by the Guillemots
"Time" by Pink Floyd
"Lucky" by Radiohead

(three people hitting the same key on a piano) "Day In the Life" by The Beatles
(I've got blisters on Me FINGERS) "Helter Skelter" by the Beatles

"Black Hand" by Cadence Weapon

How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?

2007-04-14T01:13:00.000-07:00

Every paragraph is a new song.

(Right now, right now. It's time to...kick up the JAMS! Motherfucker!!)

One last chance before blackout falls.

I'm a sweating machine, I love to watch you leave but I hate to watch you go. Baby.

Probably owe to y'all, probably locked by the force. Trying to hustle some things that go with the Porsche.

Something has started today. Where did you, what you wanted to be. Well you know November has come. It's coooome.

Blank tapes, trying to stay awake. I'm running from the future but I can't escape it.

Baby said she wanted some action. I said baby, the outside world is not safe. We should sit down.

Why are you showing them cootchi lips getting up out your car. Paparazi hanging all around you bitch, you know you're a superstar.

Home, home again. I like to be here when I can.

If you drive a car, I'll tax the street. If you drive to sixes, I'll tax your seat. If you get too cold, I'll tax the heat. If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet. Taxman!

(blistering guitar solo)

We've got a file on you! We've got a file on you! We've got a file on you! We've! Got on! On you!

Niggas running around with their fake frowns, trying to sell it on ebay.

I don't rap for free like one dirty rhyme. I might as well go downtown like the 135.

I catch the paperboy, but things don't really change. I'm standing in the rain, but I never waved bye bye. But I tried. I tried.

To those of you who moan your eyes from one day to the next, well let them take you next. Cuz you live and be thankful you're here. See it could be you tomorrow next year.

Hanging awening, quiet desperation is the English way. The time is gone, the song is over, thought I had something more to say.

It's going to be a glorious day. I feel my luck could change.
.
.
.
.
.
(three people hitting the same piano note at the same time. Let the vibrations fade out of the song)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(I've got blisters on ME FINGERS!)

"Revolution 9" by The Beatles

Wake the town

2007-04-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

- I just finished watching the latest episode of The Office and coming to a sad realization that the show is going in circles. It still has those flashes of comedic brilliance, but the story is not there anymore. The anticipation of Jim and Pam is not there anymore. Ever since the "kiss," the romantic progression has been realistic, but slow. Also, at least the British Office had the version that people did not want David Brent in the Office anymore. That he was so completely annoying that no one wanted him there anymore. Even his "Dwight" character Gareth had the sensibility to know that he was better than Brent. Michael Scott on the other hand has done more dastardly deeds and has caused more grief for his employees than David Brent has, but they do nothing. They sit there and take it. This is completely foolish. Why is Scott still there? Why hasn't this been explained? The reason why I bring this up is because his character has become way too predictable and stagnant. I can predict what he will say. All I'm saying is this series needs to progress fast. The pace in the second season was blistering compared to this one.
That being said, this episode had one of the most fascinating ideas that can be applied in work life: the day to day gambling. I'm so excited to try this out at work. Too excited really.

- The playoffs are starting, and for once in a long time I'm not truly excited. Sucks supporting the Oilers right now. Right down depressing. We can't even win the lottery draft in which a team in the same position in the standings as us get the number 1 pick whilst we get the 6th. The quicker Anahaim gets played out, the happier I will be. If Anahaim wins the Cup we should shut down the High Level Bridge, too many people trying to jump off. The only thing that keeps me going is the anticipation that we should have a ton of cap room and that Kevin Lowe is usually a pretty good trader. Priority should be going after the dynamic three in Tampa: Lecavialer, St Louis, and Richards. Lecavalier should be 1, but St Louis would play well in Edmonton. That is if the Oilers can't cash in on Danny Briere. But you know, if this was any other city K-Lowe and MacT would've been fired a long time ago.

- Relationships were discussed in the early morning inside the sobering dining halls of the local Denny's. This was discussed with the cute sister of my friend who I went clubbing with, for the hell of it really. She promised me a Wednesday night of 1 dollar drinks and a possibility of good looking girls with less possibility of high school girls. I got out my good shirt, my good tie and away I went. Good times were had until the long time obsession of my friend shows up, and at 1am shares a kiss with the blond girl who just previously grabbed my ass ("She's crazy!" replies Tasha). Of course my friend freaks and I suggest we leave the premises. Sitting at Denny's she shares with me the tragic events of her obsession, how she has so much history with him that it's hard to deal. That he is behaving like he likes her but nothing comes out of it. It's the classic example of mixed signals involving long time friends. She explains that she'll probably end up writing a letter explaining her heartbreak because she cannot take it anymore. I know exactly how she feels because I went through the same motions. The mixed signals, the messages that were not connected, the overall confusion, the questioning, the self-degradation. My personal theory that I have learned from these scenarios is that someone is too afraid to say "I don't really like you, like you like me." It's cynical of me I know, but I've been there too many times to know the truth. We all know there is no returning after that letter, or that talk, or whatever happens and losing a good friend is hard. But it's easier for both parties to move on after that, rather than have people spinning their wheels for someone's ego and satisfaction. I hate the way my friend was after that because I know that pain all too well. If for some reason you end up in this situation please don't be an ass and drag it out till it blows up. Grow some balls and tell them the truth. Sometimes I can benefit taking my own advice.

"Cry Baby Cry" by The Beatles

You know I'm no good

2007-04-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

Let's go random today:

- There isn't a better more exhilarating feeling than to say "All in", sit back, smile/stare, and watch your opponent sweat.

- I was listening to Wolf And Cub the other day, and they're damn good. It's a grower I'm telling you. It's got this whole Stone Roses, proggy, dancey, beat thing going. But with like singing that could only come from Australia. What is it with wolves and Australia? Do they even have wolves over there?

- You know what I'm excited for? The NHL Entry Draft. Go three first rounders! Sigh.

- Actually I'm excited for the Under 20 World Cup that is happening in Canada this summer. I don't know why it hasn't been hyped up, pumped up like it should. This is a big fucking deal. Big. Lots of people will show up. Are we even prepared? The tickets are not even sold out. No one knows about it unless you completely follow soccer. Chile is coming! So is Brazil! Come on! Get fucking pumped!

- The cute young redhead who got a ride from me to work today flipped through my iPod whilst it filled the car with the Arctic Monkey's new one. This generally makes me nervous, because looking through someone's music collection is like looking into their soul. You can find stuff you can generally flaunt at people (Goldfrapp's Remix CD, The Rakes new album, Wolf And Cub, whole collection of SXSW bands), stuff that's normal to everyone (Coldplay, NWA's greatest hits, Micheal Jackson's Off The Wall, The White Album, Led Zeppelin II, etc...) , and stuff that you would rather no one see or listen (Minibosses' rock medley of all the Mega Man 2 Levels, The Borat soundtrack which I didn't buy out of irony, I actually like the music). She puts on "Whole Lot Of Love," an old standard, marvels at the machine, and says "my friend keeps telling me she has the most diverse taste in music. You have him topped. By a mile." The smile on my face said it all. That was easily the best compliment in a week, maybe two. If that chick wasn't like 8 years younger than me, she would be girlfriend material. She even likes the Mars Volta. God damn.

"Five Year Plan" by You Say Party! We Say Die!

Let's make the most of it

2007-04-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

The internet is a living paradox. The numerous amounts of online social networks allows for two things, bring us together and push us away. My current obsession is trying to find new old friends in Facebook. I believe that I am not alone in this. It's really fantastic getting in touch with friends that you didn't know even USED the internet, let alone the same geeky site that I'm in. The geekiness inside me disappeared when even some of the biggest technophobes I know are there. I thought I was the only one who blogged, PHEW! Friends from old work places, friends from new work places, friends from far away, friends from really close by, friends I didn't even know were my friends, even enemies! Amazing. But all this time I used looking for friends, I could have spent actually meeting these friends. Maybe I should post them to all meet at the same place. Maybe we should party together. Actually I should just meet them again.
One by one.

I learned the word "come here" and "my baby" in Greek. Very useful.

"Caballito De Hierro" by Attaque 77

This is where we fight. This is where they die!

2007-04-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have a story for you today

I have had the pleasure of theater hoping with my good friend The Man Who Shall Not Be Named for a while now. For his sake ("Dude, please don't mention me in your blog") I'm going to call him Eugene. Not that sucks, ummm....Surrrrri.....yes Suri. Me and Suri unlike some other individuals cannot be satisfied to just watch one movie. For the price those big wigs have been charging us, we demand to watch two movies! At least! So we make this a tradition and the frequent outings allow us to have this thing down to a science. We organize, scrimp, sneak, and second guess until everything has a plan A and B. Every move is calculated, every decision scrutinized until correct. I get annoyed at Suri's increasing paranoia but it serves it's purpose in this situation.

Today though was especially fortuitous, the only thing we wasted was 7 dollars and time. I had a day off so I didn't really care. The first plan in our tactic was to go to BP's to get their Dinner and a Movie special, 18 bucks and you get pasta and salad and a movie ticket. Done. Blades of Glory is up next. We buy the ticket, get in, and stand in line. It was decided that the second movie we were going to watch was 300 because Suri hasn't seen it and I wouldn't mind watching it again, especially if it was free. But after 7pm in the weekends the theater changes their strategy for ticket ripping which would directly affect us. Therefore we go back to the ticket counter, exchange our tickets for the 7:15pm showing of 300 then go back to stand in line for Blades of Glory. We get in for Blades without a hitch and enjoy our 7 dollar movie. Laughing more heartily because of the money we saved.

Movie finishes ahead of schedule and we hustle our way to the theater showing 300. Take our seats and then wait. And wait. And wait. Wait some more. It is confirmed that someone fucked up by the manager. The power or whatever is messed and we will all be getting free passes, plus exchanges for any other movie you want to watch today. The audible groan drowns out my fist pumping. Not only would be getting our free tickets exchanged for a later showing of 300, we would also be getting free passes for whatever else later. Three movies for 7 bucks. Off to KFC we go when Suri stereotypically mentions that he wants some chicken. With KFC drink in hand (and the stares that followed) we enter the theater for the last time to revel in our good fortune and honor the Spartan code.

Never retreat. Never surrender.

"Street Justice" by MSTRKRFT

My draws, the stickiest

2007-03-27T23:38:00.000-07:00

Ok most of you who have read this blog before know that my favorite web writer is Bill Simmons from ESPN.com. But I'm not the only one, he has a million followers. Look I don't even like baseball or basketball so much, but I will read his articles every time they appear. His most popular running article is the simple Q and A. He takes in reader questions and answers them. It works because he's a master question answerer and that he has such a loyal following that he must get like 10,000 emails a day. So he never runs out of material. I want to help him though because some answers I thought were too weak, here's what I would've said.

1) "While tailgating at Giants Stadium, we came up with the next best sports game show guaranteed to be 10,000 times better than trying to stump the Schwab. ... It's called "Heckle." In it, you go through three rounds. First round you heckle a particular player of a team you hate, then you heckle a particular fan of a team you hate, then in the final round you have to heckle a random team. We have three judges and the winner gets 15 seconds to make his "cross the line" statements such as saying to the Saints, "[editor's note: this joke was too tasteless to run]." Tell me this doesn't have great show all over it?"

-- Ok come on, is that the best game you can play? Heckle? Isn't that what EVERYONE does? Isn't this like Yo Mamma but with sports? And less Fez? This is one of those ideas that the guy who gets way to drunk comes up with. Everyone kind of chuckles and then someone goes "How many beers have you had Chuck? Oh ten? I think that's enough."

2)Q: I fancy myself something of a dead-eye at staring contests, having bested all comers of all species in my (admittedly short) lifetime. Which led me to wonder, who would win a celebrity athletes staring contest? The basic rule would be that a strict poker face has to be maintained until one contestant breaks a smile or flinches. I'd like to see the following competitors go at it: Tiger Woods, Phil Ivey, Dikembe Mutumbo, Rasheed Wallace, Clemens, Pedro (my dark horse pick; dude is scary intense), Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Michael Jordan. This should be part of an annual special -- a decathlon of essentially trivial events featuring the most competitive athletes in the world. Staring contests, simple card games, mini golf, ping pong, HORSE, rock paper scissors, etc. It would be like Superstars except, instead of focusing on athleticism and skill, it would emphasize pure competitiveness and intimidation. Tell me you wouldn't watch this.

--- I would love to see this. I get enthralled just watching the Celebrity poker tournament just to see if I can fare up between some of those athletes. I can't beat them in a hardest shot competition, but I can beat them at something. Even though they'll probably just get up, throw some money at me, leave me with a 1000 dollar porn charge on my computer, and then take off in their Ferrari. That was the last time I invite Raffi Torres over. Anyways here's my vision for this TV show:

a) Crazy 8's tournament, or Asshole tournament. I want to know who is the best Crazy 8's player. The only reason I want this televised is to see the faces of some of the most competitive guys getting told to pick up 6 cards when they're down to 1. Or to get called on when they don't say 'last card'. You just know that Alex Ovechkin would so try to catch someone with that, and you know Kobe Bryant would just fucking explode if it was him.

b) Video games. When do guys get the most excited, and the most frustrated, even when there is an audience around them? Playing video games. I know sometimes you watch like Entertainment Tonight and you see like LeBron playing NBA because he's paid to do it. It's all smiles and shit. Hellz no, I want to see LeBron and half other athletes in a competition and see them get all pissed off, and accusing other players of cheating, or pressing one button, or being cheap, or coming up with excuses. Stuff like that.

c)21 tournament for the athletes that don't play basketball. I want to see who the best 21 player not in the NBA. Just so I can say things like "Man that fucking Hemsky is passing way too much again, and did you see him at the 21 tournament? That guy can't shoot for shit!"

Anyways, I would happily watch this and then some. Then I would buy it later when it comes out on DVD. First day, no less.

3) Q: I was in Toronto during the NFL playoffs and during one of the games, the "This is Our Country" commercial came on, only it wasn't fire fighters and steel workers. It featured elk (yeah the animal), people playing hockey on a pond, and finished with an image of some clip from the '80s of an Olympic player whom I could not identify donning a Team Canada jersey. Definitely an 7.0 on the unintentional comedy scale, but at the same time I was a little offended by the rip off. I thought to myself, "Hey this isn't my country!" What do you think Bill?

--- I will be happy to answer this one Bill because your regurgitation of the commercial wasn't enough to put this d-bag in his place. First of all that's fucking Bobby Orr. Bobby fucking Orr. Not just some no namer in a Canada jersey. A Boston legend! Bill should've been ashamed. Second of all he wasn't in his country, he was in another country. You were in Canada! Of course it's not your country! Why did this piss you off? Did you want them showing Dale Earndhardt Jr? Because Canadians don't give a flying fuck about Dale Earndhardt Jr! This one of the few reasons why we should burn the white house again.

"Watch The Tapes" by LCD Soundsystem

New York is the greatest if you have someone pay the rent

2007-03-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

She dyed her hair? GB = GR.

So I traveled to Calgary today, for the hell of it. A field trip to satisfy the vain in us. We were just trying to escape the drab that is our city life, just for one day anyways. It's funny because the only reason we sped to Calgary (in two hours no less, this is a 350km journey, in 2 hours. Record speed) is so we could spend our money in the economy of our transplanted enemy. The only reason we hate Calgary is because we were told to hate Calgary. They are the city next to us therefore they are our enemy. Where else does this work in life? Do you sit next to someone in school and automatically hate them? What about at work? How about your neighbor? Do you fight them just because they are the closest in vicinity to you? And if you do (you sicko you) do the people around you approve of your behavior? Unless this person is the equivalent of Toronto and everyone hates them, this would not be considered acceptable behavior in society.

But it's weird that the brainwashing of city pride is installed very soon. I went to the Chinook Shopping Center in the south of Calgary and I was bombarded by Flames paraphernalia in every sports store I went in. Of course my mouth was filled with vile and disgust because my Edmonton brainwashing took effect. Worse even that at this current time, the Oilers were in the middle of losing 13 of their last 14 games. The Flames were battling for a playoff spot, led ironically enough by two Edmontonians. So I couldn't boo at the jerseys or jeer at the people walking by. Well I could, but I couldn't back it up. I realized that if I was a precarious young man I would believe that the Flames were the only most important thing happening in Calgary, and that big red tower is bitching. I celebrated this observation by buying a Detroit Tigers hat. Just because I think it looks cool. So whatever city I'm from, a graphic design junkie.

It was 20% Graphic Novel day at Chapters so I bought Identity Crisis where the DC heroes change their identities and brainwash themselves and villains.....actually anything where Batman and Superman are in it, I'm in it...still looking for The Long Halloween though....saw TMNT on Friday, surprisingly good for a kiddie movie.....leonardo and raphael fight....best part of the whole movie...that's worth the price of admission itself.

"Connection" by Elastica

Go to the station and murder the DJ

2007-03-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

Cheesy movies that I love and that I'm proud to share with you. Because you probably will not make fun of me. Probably.

1) Bring It On --- Dumb, dumb movie. But funnier everytime I watch it. Cheerleaders talking about cheerocracy and cheertator. Insults like "She puts the itch in bitch." Eliza Dushku in a cheerleader outfit. Knowing full well that they are not making oscar worthy material. Just plain as dumb movie. But fucking fantastic. Try to rent something manly though afterwards. Like Die Hard.

2) Drop Dead Gorgeous --- I don't know what it is with these Dunst movies. But this is by far the best mockumentary not made by Chris Guest. Denise Richards blowing up. Adopted retards. The babysitter is dead! Asians screaming at each other. Red necks! So many quotable lines in the movie that I can't reiterate them all here. The catch is, try to find this movie. Almost impossible.

3) Pootie Tang --- Another love or hate movie. When he's all "Wadatah!"and "sadatay" and trying to save the "tippie ties" by saying the "nay no" you're either in or you're not. I was in. Bought it on ebay for 7 bucks.

Needless to say. I have a lot of catching up to do.

"Hip Hop is Dead" by Nas

Monkey hate clean!

2007-03-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

Thank Justice, for introducing me to PBF. It's been a long happy relationship. You will be the best man at our wedding.

"Heaven Help The New Girl" by The Long Blondes

What's the time Mr Wolf?

2007-03-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Allow me to rant, ahem.

I hate St Patrick's Day. Ok, it's not that I don't hate St Patrick's Day. I don't, I really don't. I just question the credibility of the "holiday." Maybe it's because I'm above the age of 25. Maybe that the times of getting ridiculously drunk almost every weekend to shitty over priced beer and shitty music has passed me. It don't how long it took me to realize how shitty those weekends were. Now don't go thinking that I'm an old killjoy who doesn't like to get hammered every once in a while, because I do. But I do so in caution of all the frat boys and shitty bar music I will hear throughout the night. I usually drink enough of whatever is cheap to clear my head of such retardedness. After those nights, I usually tell myself that I will never do that again. Or at least until someone else's birthday. St. Patrick's Day (and in some parts Canada Day) is like those times, times by a hundred. A hundred times of sucky. I hate those bagpipes, I hate green beer, do you even know who St Patrick is? Did you find this information from 'The Simpsons'? This is just another excuse for people to be retarded.

Why don't they just call it "A big excuse to drink beer day!" or "celebrate a country's stereotype day: Ireland lifetime achievement award" or "we don't have enough mexicans to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, so this is the next best thing, drink up bitches!"

I will wear green though, that is to be sure.

"Love Fire" by The Emeralds

See ya later, innovator!

2007-03-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

I assume that this is the Monkeys' response to all those people who thought they were a one hit wonder. I present you the asskicking single from their new album, and the asskicking video. Epic.

"Cigarrete Smoker Fiona" The Arctic Monkeys

The world was a mess, but his hair was perfect

2007-03-14T00:29:00.000-07:00

New stuff:

The Rakes "Ten New Messages" --- I'm big into albums being albums. Not just a collection of songs that they thought sounded good. An album should flow, it should weave and wave. It should zig and zag. The Rakes first album was the former, a collection of awesome hit singles. Yes the songs itself were fantastic. "Retreat" was one of the my fav England songs. But an album it was not. I'm glad to say that The Rakes heard my secret grumblings (creepy innit?) in their new album and combined their knack of creating better sounding Franz Ferdinand inspired rock outs into a pace that weaves, flows, and zags. The first 5 songs are killer, and the rest is just plain enjoyable. Not a bad thing to say. Funny when that happens eh?

The Klaxons "Myths of the Near Future" --- So I was late in the Klaxons bandwagon. I heard of them in Spin magazine (I know, FOR SHAME!) but when I heard heard them I was impressed. Not completely, but enough to try out their new album. Surprisingly good. I was more keen in the whole indie rock thing that they got going on. The whole 70's inspired dance rock freak outs like "Atlantis to Interzone" which could be an awesome club song if it wasn't for the prog rock in the middle. But is that really that bad? Keep in mind that the best song "Two Receivers" is the first one. It goes down from there. Not too low, but still, low. I think that they would be awesome live, all the reports say the same.

!!! "Myth Takes" --- I love the title of this album because it sounds like Mike Tyson saying 'mistakes,' I know that was the point, but still, heh. Anyways, if you have listened to any !!! before, you know the drill. Inspired dance rock that is repetitive enough to be club songs, but not for you to listen on your own trying to write a piece of novella. Trust me, I have tried. I'm not saying they are not good, because they are. But for serious, do they have just keep going with the song? Some songs just last way too long. Even the great single "Heart of Hearts" could use a good 2 mins of splicing. But kudos for "Bend Over Beethoven," good song to match the good name.

Douglas Coupland "jPod" --- I know this has been out for a while now, but only recently has it been available on paperback. Trust me kids, I fucking love paperback. It's hard to read hardcover books, they're a pain to carry, they're a pain to read, they get cold on your leg when you're on the john. I only buy Harry Potter on hardcover because I want to read that bitch now! Anyways, I bought jPod because I wanted to get into the works of Coupland who I hear lots about but never experienced myself. The title and subject matter sounded cool and I totally judged that book by it's cover. But I judged right, it's cool. Little conversations of a fucked up family, fucked up friends, and a fucked up life. With the author inserted there just to add to the metaweirdness. It's cool, it's funny, it's entertaining, it's on paperback.

The Rakes "Terror!"

One Year

2007-03-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a year. I'm still a 1000 bucks.

"Fill My Pill" by Be Your Own Pet

This is madness

2007-03-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

They really don't make guy movies like they used to.

Even the movies that pass off as guy movies now always have that whole romantic scene, or philosophical scene, or like the scene where the good tough guy shows a vulnerability. When that happens the girls and critics perk up and rave about the 'realism' of the movie and its character. The guys will mostly agree but then silently grumble that the scene made it not kick ass. But then we saw the trailer for '300' and we became giddy. Actually the exact quote of when I saw that trailer was "when I saw the first 15 seconds of that trailer I was already getting ready to give up my 12 bucks." I dig Frank Miller and I dig the style of this trailer. All the slow-mo action scenes, and the Nine Inch Nails song, and the whole yelling. The problem was that I hyped this movie up so much for myself that there was no in between. Either this movie was going to blow, or it was going to rule. There was not going to be any "meh" involved. I'm glad to say this movie had no 'meh' involved. Let me count the ways:

- The countless slow-mo action action scenes.

- The awesome bad-ass quotes, not only delivered by men, but by women too.

- The comebacks delivered by Leonides and his crew could've put to shame those Yo Mamma people. Some were so inspiring that they produced some "NO YOU DIDN'T!" in the movie theatre.

- The Spartan warriors who looked like they could've deflected bullets with their 8 packs.

- The battle scenes were ridiculous. Ridiculously amazing.

- Nudity.

-I don't really fight wars or anything, but I would've happily suited up beside Gerald Butler's Leonides. Easily one of the memorable movie characters in recent times.

At the end of this movie, don't be surprised that you want to scream and try to fight your friend beside you. Don't be shocked that you feel that dressing up with a diaper, a red cape, and a shield would be a suitable Halloween costume. Try not to scream out "This! IS! SPAAAARTAA!" too much. But it was noted that the girls who were in attendance when I went did not really like the movie. Too much gore, too much violence, where is the love? Where is the realism? Even though Leonides is the most devoted man I have ever seen. I realized then that '300' is the anti-chick flick. If you have a girl, be prepared to take her to Music And Lyrics afterwards. This is a compromise remember. If you don't have a girl, then you just have an excuse to watch 300 again. I think I'm going to do that.

"Map of the Problematique" by Muse

Give me your gypsy tears or I will take them

2007-03-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

"Does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch?" -- Sam Jackson as Julius
Sam Jackson has to have one of the luckiest careers imaginable. He's had amazing script writers who make me look like a total bad ass. But even so, you have to admit he brings it with such aplomb that you cannot imagine anyone else making those lines more awesome than they are. The reason I'm thinking about this is because I got obsessed with comebacks and insults. We're at the point in our society where we have pretty much heard everything. Nothing shocks us anymore. Gay insults are aplenty, especially from people who are at the extreme spectrum of gayness (extreme homophobes or homosexuals). Momma jokes are so old that they belong in an episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I went to see GB today to have some dinner with her. Well some appetizer and some chocolate sufflee which I devoured. She made me almost spit all that out when told me that her favorite way of threatening someone is with anal sex.
Example: "Terry if you don't get this right I'm going to fuck you right up the ass!"

Shocking. There's not much that shocks me, and I'm a vile pig. So therefore I found this amazingly hilarious. I was about to steal this but I realized that I worked with a bunch of girls and this would be considered sexual harassment (damn this PC world). I will just stick to my old standard.
Example 2: "Chance if you fuck this up I'm going to punch you right in the throat. When you see me you're going to be like 'oh hi ridley....UGGHH...THAT WAS MY THROAT!'"

See when you make a violence threat, you should consider something that sound completely dangerous but plausible. Try also adding body parts rarely mentioned, like your bellybutton.
Example 2b: "I'm going to punch you right in the bellybutton"

The kicker really comes when you are explaining in a metaphor what is going to be like when you take course of the threat. This brings a sudden dose of reality and hilarity. I stole this from my friend Jugan who threatened to check-raise me to next week when we were playing poker. Then he said "You're going to be like *waves hands in a confused way* Where am I?"

I also turn around whatever they think I did wrong and add the word 'face' to hilarious results. Like what if my co-worker Becks didn't like the way I packaged the box.

Example 3: "I'm going to package your face"

This also works with 'ass'.

Example 3b: "I'm going to package your ass"

This is my secret to getting ahead in life. Soon you too will enter Planet Awesome. Use it with caution.

"Tits and Acid" by Simian Mobile Disco

All dogs go to heaven

2007-03-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Connie passed away yesterday and the shock hasn't worn off yet. But every time I feel sad about her passing I realize that her life was long, happy, eventful, basically free of pain or displeasure, and most importantly universally loved, even by people who hate dogs. She also died peacefully and in the arms of the person she loved the most. We can all be so lucky. When I think of all of this, it makes me smile. She made my life fantastic and I know she will make heaven a happier place to be. I appreciate the condolences, but in light of all that I said, Connie's life is to be thought in happiness not in sadness. So that is all I will say. Peace be with you my dear friend. I will never forget you.

Connie (1992-2007)

"Neighbourhood 1 (Tunnels)" by The Arcade Fire

I'm a hustler baby, that's what my daddy made me

2007-03-02T15:26:00.000-08:00

- “This whole scene, this whole town—it’s all so fake,” he says, pulling me aside. “It’s like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think this is real, but it’s not. I wanna meet a girl who has nothing to do with L.A., a nice, normal, real girl.” For a moment, he sounds almost genuine. Then he says, “Actually, you know, that’s gonna be a component of our new MTV show—me leaving L.A. to meet a normal girl. It might be hard, though, with all the cameras.” --- Brody Jenner ( Isn't this the worst quote you have heard in a long time?)

- Ok I just stepped out of a meeting and boy did it suck. Actually I want to know of anyone who has gone to a meeting and come out of there feeling informed and just better about your job in general. Has there been anyone? Anyone NOT in charge of the meeting itself. Because those people will always relate nodding heads and plain non-verbalness to "understanding" and will always come out of those meetings with a remark along the lines of "well I thought that was a productive meeting." In reality that meeting just delayed productivity because 9 times out of 10 the workers already know what to do. Meaning that 9 out of 10 meetings are useless. So you big wigs out there, no amount of donuts, bagels, sideshows, and scavenger hunts can make a meeting more exciting or "productive." So just stop it. By the way, we totally did have a scavenger hunt in which I sabotaged all of the teams by finding their clues first and hiding them in other parts. Needless to say I was banned from any more work-related scavenger hunts.

- Awesome random fact I found out today: The sun's atmosphere is actually hotter than the sun itself. That even breaks the second law of thermodynamics. Crazy!

- In my short career as a poker player I have won three pots. It's funny because since I have moved I haven't had that much money to dick around with. Well that's actually not funny at all, but just hear me out. Phil called me just when I was going home, that was the third time he called me to play some poker for the same day. The other two times I said no because I'm low on cash. But for some mystery outside of my knowledge I got convinced to go, spend my hard earned 20 bucks on this game of poker. Well maybe it was karma because in this game I won my biggest pot I've ever had, 140 bucks. I don't know what I'm going to do with this money, charity maybe, maybe buy my mom the house she's always dreamed of, maybe my kid's college, I don't know. Actually it'll most likely go to my collection of CD's and cool ironic t-shirts. I also do know that I am getting better. Fear me.

"Disco Love" by Smallwhitelight

I am on

2007-02-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

At about 2 o'clock today I got a stomach ache, and for once it had nothing to do with the poutine and big crunch combo from KFC. I had all this excitement that I built up yesterday from watching a rather riveting episode of "The Hills" with the two Greek sisters, then getting a rather cool looking Adidas track jacket for 20 bucks. In my old 'hood no less. I felt just like Ron in "Undeclared" who one day/episode woke and declared to his roommates "Hey guys, is it just me or do I look good today? I feel like I look awesome today." At 2 p.m. that all changed. It didn't help that my so-called good friend delivered the news with the sensitivity of a sledgehammer:

"Hey Ryan Smyth got traded for a bag of pucks"

STFU. Solz, who is a Red Wings fan doesn't like Smyth. So obviously I didn't believe him. But that stupid joke became a joke of another kind when I found out that Solz wasn't kidding. Not one fucking ounce. I had this same feeling once before, when Roloson got injured and the Oilers and Ty Conklin (by the way, good luck Buffalo, mwahahahaha) screwed up Game 1 majorly. Like someone punched me in the jaw, then someone else kicked me in the stomach.

I know I shouldn't invest so much emotion in this, but I can't help it. I'm a sports fan, that's what I do. So excuse me, while I go throw up.

"My Body Is A Cage" by The Arcade Fire

I woke up this morning and decided I needed a kickstand

2007-02-25T14:26:00.000-08:00

This is written in the middle of wading through all the sample songs that were given out of all bands participating the South By Southwest music festival. This is so I can make a killer cd, probably for my dad. It could be for anyone really. I really wish I was in Austin during that. Maybe one year I will trek there and try to pass myself as an important music person and sneak to the shows.

There's this band called "I Heart Hiroshima" and it's chorus of their song "Candy Cut" goes "You are an Atoooom Boooomb!" For some reason this borders between insensitive and awesome. I can't decide which it is.

I have an uncomfortable crush on my upper boss that only extends to the crush mode in a slight way. The reason is that she is not THAT cute, but she's cute. She's only a crush because all the other girls are just that, girls. Even the girl I think I would crush on, I can't. Because every time I talk to her I become insanely bored. Maybe we're boring together, but it's still boring. The only reason I can explain this crush is with an Eddie Murphy joke: "For a man in a stranded island even a cracker will seem like the best cracker in the world." Still though, fun times.

So I was thinking about this, why do I feel like I need to crush on someone when there's no one around? Why do I have to have one person I have to put cologne on? Or do my hair for? There's always seem to be one, when there isn't I feel I have to make it so? Maybe I need to have that constant feeling of trying to impress someone. That feeling of anticipation of when it would be the appropriate time to make a move. I thought to myself after I came back from England, that I would not go into this kind of thinking. But can a zebra change his stripes? Maybe if it wasn't a zebra. Maybe if it was some sort of velcro horse. But I am not a velcro horse, therefore I now have a crush on blog girls and my short Italian boss. I gots to deal.

"Don't Give Up" by The Noisettes

Do you know how to use this? Point and shoot.

2007-02-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany.

Ok this post is strictly for the fanboys and fangirls of the hit one hour of power that is "24." You know as well as I know that the focus of the show since like season 4 is how and when is Jack going to die. It's the payoff of all 24 junkies after Nina died. This season they have been pimping it as the season that "For the world to survive, Jack has to die." Which we all know won't happen because Kiefer has signed in for 3 more seasons. So I figured out a way to surprise everyone, keep the show fresh and exciting, and leave everyone semi satisfied.

Kill Jack off.

Do it this season, or next one. So what would happen next? Well the season would obviously end with Jack's death. Maybe by the hand of a terrorist. Then the next seasons of 24 should be played as a prelude to the first one. Bring back Jack's wife. Bring back Tony, Michelle, George Mason, Chappelle, everyone. Bring back Nina Myers. Everyone except David Palmer except for some short guest apperances because Jack doesn't know Palmer until the first season. So it wouldn't make sense. Then start another day. Jack became second in command in CTU before season 1, he must've had other fucked up days. Bring back his military days. Flesh out the relationship between him and Nina. And Tony. What about Chris Henderson? What did he do? How did Jack betray him?

Maybe even have two days in one. Have the prelude day of Jack trying to hunt maybe the same terrorist that killed him and the day after Jack died when the real characters are trying to find Jack's killer. Let them run parallel. Bring back Chase. Let's see Kim react to the real death of her father. Tell me you would not watch this? Tell me would this not rule and tell me that even after Kiefer leaves for good, this would continue the 24 storyline perfectly.

If this actually happens though, remember who thought of it first.

"Laissez-faire" by AA Sound System

Quiet Err, I’m transmitting rage

2007-02-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

You know what? Cereals are easily the most perfect food combination in the world. Think of anything else that's fast, healthy (sort of), that perfect amount of cold, delicious, and substitutes for a meal. Can you come up with anything? I didn't think so. What's your favorite type? Mine is Golden Grahams. That shit isn't even healthy at all, but it's fucking delicious. I won't even get to sleep I'm so pumped about tomorrow morning where I can open up that big box of awesomeness and dig in. I feel like a kid before Christmas morning.

"Heart of Hearts" by !!!

Emptiness in computers bothers me

2007-02-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

- I'm really a lovable person. Really I am. People tell me this every day. I have many buxon girls go to me

"Ridley, I wish the whole world were as cool as you,"

"Then I wouldn't be as cool, right?" I would reply, in which they would giggle and go flirt somewhere else. Anyways, I'm pretty cool and I don't get into many fights with people. It's funny because I don't keep a lot of friends, just the ones that I hang out regularly. Like a TV show. The TV show of my life. Guest appearances happen kinda frequently, and I feel shameful that I forget their name. I really have to stop doing that. Maybe I should keep a running tab of the friends I have, and then when they do something stupid that causes a rift in our friendship, I will cross them off. X them if you may. I will write them off like a soap writer writes off an evil twin brother because he was getting on the director's nerve. That way when this person moves away or we just becomes so bored with each other that we lose contact, I will keep that person's info at hand. Maybe like a picture beside it, that way if I ever become nostalgic I will look at that board of names and call them again.

This idea does not sound half bad.

- This is not the year of the fat ass eh? Rosie and Mencia both get pwned. Joe Rogan is funny because he's relentless on the Mencia thing (so true by the way, and this is after we find out that Carlos Mencia is not even Mexican, nor funny), even though he's kind of a d-bag himself. But Trump? Holy fuck. I do NOT want to get into a public feud with him. That guy ripped Rosie a new one, publicly no less. I was indifferent to Rosie before, now I cannot stand the bitch. All because of Trump.

- You know who I hate? Those snob ass mother fuckers who are too "world conscious" and too "I'm so above that" to not dig in celebrity news. I know you want to weigh your opinion on Nicole Richie, and don't tell you were not in the least bit curious when P-Hil released her sex tape. I can act a bit snobbish in the appropriate crowd and believe you me I would not buy the DVD, but when my friend puts on cheesy MTV shows like Laguna Beach I cannot help but watch. She bought 8th And Ocean on DVD and it truly is a sorry excuse for a show. Models who live in an apartment try to get gigs and learn a little about themselves in the process. Models are the worst types of entertainment in the world, especially early 20 year old models. They are so dull. But as soon as I started watching, I could not stop. We watched the whole series. For some reason this is the only type of cheese I can stand. Reality shows. Even game show type reality shows, I watch them so I can get pissed off, but then I become enthralled. I feel horrible that I encourage this type of TV and awesome shows like Arrested Development get canceled. But I'm sorry, if you're not into super hot girls fighting and sexing just to get their half an hour a week of semi-fame, then you should go back to reading your Naomi Klein book. In a related note, Uli the German chick from Project Runway? Fucking hot. I don't care how old she is. Hawt.

- Douglas Coupland is awesome by the way. The only author who referenced himself in his own book and not sound like a total asshole.

"Everyone's a VIP to Someone" by The Go! Team

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

2007-02-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

I'm bitter over the whole Valentines Day thing. It seems like that Dane Cook joke all over again. But I'm going to distract myself by working until late tonight and write you a real random post.

- The Spice Girls were a big joke when they were popular. I actually remember Conan O'Brian asking one of the SG's "So you have sold like 4 million albums, why don't I know anyone who owns one?" But now? Posh Spice is still hot. Watch that video when Ali G interviews the Beckhams and she looks so cute being all nervous and biting her nails and what not. Then look at Ginger Spice, she's still smoking hot. I don't care what you say. Then go back and listen to their music, they were actually not so bad. Much better than Ace Of Base who should be made fun of more often than the SG's in my honest opinion. "Yo I tell you what I want, what I really really want!" Awesome.

- You know what else is awesome, fucking Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Those Mooninites crack me the hell up. They are some of the best animated duo since, fuck I dunno, Pebbles and Bam Bam. And Carl, Oh Carl you're loser antics are amazing. Schooly D for the theme song, and it's appropriately only 15 mins long. I don't know if I could handle a whole 30 mins of them though. This show is perfect for 15 mins, anything longer would get really annoying. Meatwad is my ringtone.

- You what else else is awesome? The Long Blondes. I think they finnally signed on to a label after all this time going label-less and everyone (read: NME) wondering "Why aren't they signed yet?" Well they are pretty cool. Like girlie punk garage rock cool. Go download their album. I forget what's it called.

- I think you all should skip the whole chocolate and flowers and crap and give your guy something he may enjoy. For example I saw a girl today buy her guy a 120GB hard drive. Problaby for all the sex tapes they are going to be making, because I know the guy is going to be horny as hell when he gets this. You know he's going to be like "Aww honey, wine just like last.....wait a minute that's EXACTLY what I NEED!" Guys, you know exactly what your honey likes, give it to her. Do something anyways, if you let this day pass without doing something, anything, you will regret it. Trust me on this.

- The girls without anyone for V-day, I feels your pain. Let's be Valentines.

-But I hope all you girls, girls, girls, have a great V-Day because it's really your day. V-Day is not really for guys, it's all for you. But you do have the right to, you know, treat your guy if he does come through. It's only fair.

- Guys, you're welcome.

"Lust in Movies" By The Long Blondes

Put the record on the replay

2007-02-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't written anything in almost a week. Well, you see I was moving and I was....you don't care about my excuses don't you? Just write. Right.

I think there are manlier games, but I would be hard pressed to find one that beats out poker. Maybe in some weird Asian village there are guys playing kick the other guys out of the tree with a bo staff, in the likes of the first mins of Ong Bak. I would assume that game is a little more manlier, but you can't play that game without knowing your bit of muay thai, and frankly who has the time for that. But ever since the old west have those canteens where all the shooters came to drink whiskey straight from the bottle and play 5 card stud. Usually one guy will get caught cheating and this will end in a crazy shoot em up. Some whores will be involved as well. Ever since those halcyon days not a whole lot has changed. It's still pretty damn cool to gather around and play some poker.

Of course, the game has changed from the classic 5 card stub, where everyone is holding five cards in front of their face (usually smoking a cigar of some kind) to the devilish and infinitely more stylish texas two card hold 'em. The game where you look at your cards all sly like and then put a chip on top of it and try to keep your smile from reveling that you hold pocket rockets. Texas Hold Em is easily the coolest game you can learn and play. Even if you are a peon in the eyes of society, you will look pro ("leet" in the internets world) when the dealer says "show em" and you hold an ace and a king to complete the full house. Even if you clumsily find your way to winning, you still feel like a king. There is no other game that has elicited the same type of superiority and coolness as Hold em poker. There's a reason why James Bond is the best poker player in MI-6, and I'm also positive that Jack Bauer and Batman also kill at poker.

But the stardom of poker is not just because it's such a cool game. It's because it's like a measuring stick to your manhood. Just like every guy should come equipped with power tools, fart jokes, and sport statistics. They should also come with a knowledge in how to play poker. The reverse is also valid, that a girl moves up in ratings points if they know how to play decent poker. Maybe even two whole points, makes a weak 5 to a solid 7. That's huge. The whole notion that girls can and will play poker makes this the only sport that both sexes can agree on equally. Do you see the NFL doing that?

This is also one of the few card games that you can legitimately play without looking like a ten year old. Like I know hearts and solitaire are fun. Crazy Eights and Asshole also took a lot of my time in college. But would you be caught dead playing those games in a casino? Even if they offered it? I don't think so. A wise man also said that anything that doesn't take a lot of time is not worth doing. Or something like that. Poker takes time. It takes to set up,it takes time to start (everyone needs to be there to start a game), and it takes time to play. You need to have the right amount of people and the right amount of money and atmosphere to play a decent game.

Here's other things that you might consider into learning how to be a better poker player:

1) You can totally get mad at your BFF for trying to look at your cards even if they are not playing. This happened on Friday with Sheena trying to peek at Megan's cards and she flipped out. Sheena was just trying to understand a bit of the game. But Megan saw it as an opportunity to learn her bluffing techniques.

2) You will learn how cheap some of your friends really are. Chance is really cheap. That bitch never bluffs.

3) You will also learn how good a liar they are as well. Fucking with your buddies mind is totally legit and encouraged. Try playing without looking at your cards, see how much it fucks people up.

4) A knowledge of math is not required to play, but it is helpful. Nevertheless even the biggest mathaphobe can be a handful in the poker table.

5) Luck comes into effect. But not so much as other games.

6) Even so, if you come across a huge loser, you can't always blame it on the cards. ("Man, all I got was jack shit" can be a valued/bullshit excuse for being a dumb ass)

7) Bluffing is not just keeping a straight face. It can be many things. For example, Thomas usually looks at the flop and goes "Oh YES! That's fucking awesome. You all better just fold now." That could mean two things, he's fucking with you and you raise, or you best just fold now. He's a king at that. Chance on the other hand once showed his cards before the river came in his mind "to psych you all out. Because I know some of you hate cockiness." I consider this a bullshit excuse for being incompetent.

8) Check with authority. All-in like you mean it. Try for the "ohhs" and "ahhs"

9) You can be a total asshole and it will be billed as "trying to bluff the other players." Again look at point 1.

10) Don't bend the cards when you're trying to look all sly and devilish when looking at your hole cards. The small chip on top of it is always classy.

11) Always have some quick witty jokes at your disposal to keep the mood light. The "all-reds" hand is a classic. Same with the "five aces" joke.

12) Last but certainly not least, be sexy. Even when you fold.

The only thing that is keeping poker down is the gross looking pros playing it on TV. So I'm telling you all of this so we can have some sexy players playing now. None of this holographic sunglasses and fat asses with logo hats. Let's have some of you sexy people be in my table. We'll play all night long.

"Hot (Ratatat Remix)" by Missy Elliot

What you talk about money, I pay more in taxes

2007-02-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

This is going to be weird to explain, the reason being is that if you know me at all you know that this subject is near and dear to my heart. But I honestly hate it when people ask me "what do I listen to?" In the banality of the question, it ranks up there with "what do you do?" Yep, I know weird eh? I love talking music and I love talking about new artists, and bands, and concerts, and the new weird sound coming out of England that fuses the new wave tendencies of David Bowie with The Streets. That shit excites me, makes me immediately look for new things to listen to, new people to talk to, and new articles to read. Usually articles exclaiming same said excitement. But when someone asks me "what are you in to?" it makes me want to cringe. It's like asking a chef what kind of food he eats, or like asking a ninja how he kills people. What do you say to that? How do you even begin to answer that? So I usually do one of two things:

1) I stammer and go "uggh, umm....I dunno...lots of stuff"
2) I laugh and go "You know, here and there"

You see, the asker of this questions usually wants you to ask the same question. Now I know this question is pretty standard affair and technically I already should have an answer to it, but I don't. I always get blindsided by it. Do I say that I really like everything, but that would make me a pompous jerk, even though it's pretty much the truth. Or do I just say I like rock music because in reality it's the one genre I listen to most, but that's limiting myself and not even scratching the surface of what I really do listen to. What if this person just assumes that I haven't listened to the amazing Ratatat Mix Album, even though I have and I need to talk to someone about this? So I just go "Ohh I don't know, what do you listen to?" and then they will usually tell me and then we start a conversation from there.

I also find this question disturbing because it brings out the cockiness in me. There's not many things I'm good at (Castlevania games, how to properly set up a wireless router, how to remove a bra with one hand, etc) finding good music is one of them. So when someone asks me this question, in my head I'm thinking "You're not going to know half the people I'm listening to right now. So there's no point in having this conversation." When you ask me this question, you immediatly tell me that you skim the surface of music and that's as far as I'm going to go with you. Why do I assume this? Because a real music lover would not ask this question. A real music lover would ask a different question and probably try to find snippets of conversations in which to plug his or her favorite new pleasure. Just like any self proclaimed expert might. There have only been a handful of people of which I could talk music to and they would know just as, or more than I do. These people have never, EVER asked me this question. They just figured it out that I liked a bunch of stuff on their own. For example, one of these people that I have mentioned before found out that I liked his kind of music when he saw me buy a Sonic Youth CD. Then we started talking about their awesome album "Dirty" and how their new stuff is not so bad actually. He mentioned another artist and then along we went. I assumed correctly that he knew what he was talking about.

So what's the better question to ask me then? Simple, I don't like to limit myself to one genre just as much as you do. So stop asking what I listen to and start asking what I'm listening to right now. Now that's when we stopped asking about genres and got more specific. The former assumes that you might not like music, so it's testing the waters. Stop that shit, we all like music. Now with that information handy the latter assumes that you do do indeed listen to music and it's asking what do you like right now? It's like asking "What's the last good movie you saw?" We all do that, why can't we do that with music?

So all you music experts (and there's a lot of you out there, I know that), what are you listening to right now?

"I'm Not In Love" by 10cc

It's not over yet

2007-02-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

My aforementioned book is mostly about my three favorite subjects: Girls, music, and sports. This part is about girls, in general. I think I may use it as a introduction.

Do you realize that without pretty girls around, art would never be made? Not one creative gesture would be accomplished. We would be all wonderment and inspiration for about one hour, then a fizzle and a pop. Do you really believe for one second that half of the best looking buildings in the world would be made if there wasn’t a woman behind it going “(giggle, giggle) That building is sooooo big”? Without a doubt, the biggest reason why guys form bands is to get chicks. I’m very positive Thom Yorke started his band for two reasons, to prove he’s smarter than everyone else around him, and to bang girls two leagues ahead of him. If this is the case (and you know it is), then I have to thank the pretty looking brunette sitting in front of him in his Oxford philosophy class who just mentioned once that it would be “so cool to form a, you know, philosophy type band y’know what I mean?” for the album “OK Computer.”

I’m not trying to paint girls as naïve and incapable of making art themselves. This is completely false, Frida Kahlo is one of my favorite artists, and the punkess Jemina Pearl from Be Your Own Pet, is one of the best punk songwriters I have heard in a long time. The point I’m trying to make is that I believe that guys are more involved in the opposite sex than girls are. When you get a guy that is completely, without a doubt, obsessed with a woman, a lot of things can happen. They are open to bawling their eyes out with their best friend, do stupid shit like send a rose every day for a month, get a pompadour haircut because she thinks it looks “classy,” wear the same shirt for a week because it smells of her. When that focused obsession gets transmitted into artistic form, beautiful things can happen. Think about the best song you can think of, and I believe that 90% of the time it will be about a girl. Heck the greatest band of all time (that would be The Beatles by the way) has more than 2/3rd of their catalog about a girl. The best TV show on right now “The Office” is about the real life sequences of a complicated non-relationship. Now, there is no way that the creator of the show Ricky Gervais would know how this sort of thing works if there wasn’t a cute British girl who tortured Ricky when he was a young-in. I know he’s afraid to admit this, but that relationship hurts.

Of course not every artistic measure inspired by a girl can lead to greatness. I know I have read my fair share of shitty poetry and heard dumb acoustic guitar solos. So I guess we’re dealing about the small share of artistic output leads to genius, but it’s better than nothing. It’s also ironic to note that most of these artistic venues when shared with the lady in question are usually taken to be creepy and in extreme cases basis enough for a restraining order. Imagine if you will, if the Indian princess was alive the look of shook in her face when she is shown the Taj Mahal. Imagine if she only liked this prince as a friend, loved him as a brother. This gesture would seem a little obsessive don’t you think? So the lesson is, you have to be completely sure that this girl will swoon over your art before you start getting the villagers to move the stones.

I write best when there is a girl involved. My best piece of writing came at the expense of my exposed feelings. Usually over some lost lover or some dream girl I have. But without them, I would be an empty shell of a man. All men would be. It’s true when girls say that guys are nothing without them. Deep down inside, even the most extreme frat jock would agree with me. There wouldn’t be as many beautiful things around us if it wasn’t for them.

So this is for the women that have inspired me. I hope I will create something beautiful.

"Two Receivers" by The Klaxons.

A little bit of shhhh....

2007-01-30T22:10:00.000-08:00

Ok these two retail stories are not like "uggh, that totally sucks, what a weirdo," these are stories of how my friend Solz fought back and won.

1) Solz was finishing his shift and being the nice guy that he is, he decided to help one more customer. Of course, this customer turns out to be a total bitch. I don't know what her problem was, but it was ridiculous and most importantly taking up Solz time in which he could be half way home. When this biatch finally said "That's it, I Want to speak to your MANAGER!" Solz said "ok, he'll be right with you" went to the back, got his jacket, punched out, and left the store. All in clear view of the customer. She then, after waiting about 10 mins for the non-existent manager, left as well. When I heard of this, I could not stop laughing.

After that, then someone else told me of another thing Solz pulled.

2) A customer came in to price match an iPod Mini which were the rage at the time. We were constantly sold out. So this guy wanted to price match a price that was a week and a half old. Of course, Solz said no. Then as a threat the customer said "Well then, I'm just gonna return it then!" and took out his brand new iPod Mini. Solz then said "Really? Great!" and started doing the return. Then along comes a manager who asks Solz "Hey is someone returning an iPod Mini? Great, cuz someone needs one here." Solz then finished the return and sold the iPod to another customer in front of the other guy's face. At more than the price than the customer wanted it for. You could see the shocked expression from his face and the realization that he was not going to see another iPod Mini in a long time.

Remember boys and girls, there's never a time when you can't fight back

"Where is Home?" by Bloc Party

We can emote till we're dead

2007-01-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

This is a part of my new book. This is mostly about sports, and mostly about the Edmonton Oilers

The Edmonton Oilers are the only thing worth mentioning about my home town. It is the only reason why Edmonton might get some mention in newspapers in North America. During the months of September to June, unless there was some unruly riot in the bar district of Whyte Ave, the Oilers will steal most if not all of Edmonton media attention. It’s not because the team is generally good, it’s because it used to be good. Damn good. One of the best hockey teams of all time. So because of this Edmonton gets engulfed in Oilers fever for the whole season. This is also due to the fact that it’s so fucking cold that it’s the only thing to get engulfed with.

One of my earliest memories of Edmonton was my uncle taking me to Jasper Ave to celebrate the winning of the Stanley Cup in 1990. I didn’t know what was going on but my uncle was very excited, and he made us all get excited. He was so jacked up that I felt like he himself won that cup with his own bare hands. I didn’t understand the commotion until I hit junior high when I started hanging out with some nerds and geeks, and all they did was talk hockey. Unfortunately this was around 1993 and 1994, a time considered by many Oilers pundits as the “low” years. I think we missed the playoffs like 6 straight years and even though we were bringing out a bunch of great players, the team was sucking. Sucking big time. This fact is important for three reasons, firstly being that I was never brought up to be an Oilers fan like most kids in Edmonton tend to be, I just got engrossed in it. Second is that no one can accuse me of bandwagon jumping (the worst thing you can say to a sports fan, even if it’s true) because I started being a fan at the worst time for the Oilers. When I say this, I remember players like Pokey Reddick and Roman Oksiuta. If you know who I‘m talking about, then you know what I‘m talking about. Thirdly, this around the time I started using the word “we” when talking about the Oilers.

When you think about it, this is a weird concept. I mean sports fans are the weirdest individuals on earth. They are the only people in the world that are convinced that they are a part of an entity that they are clearly not. No one listens to an album and says they are a part of the band because they bought their CD. Even though I love the movie “Fight Club,” and bought some Fight Club paraphernalia to exclaim this point, I cannot proclaim that I am “Fight Club.” Why do sports fans get away with this?

Professional sports get even more confusing. In all common sense we should completely reject professional sports. I mean, these people get paid more money than you (Joe Schmo) will see in many lifetimes. These people can’t talk to save their life, and the one that do know how to express themselves become vilified for it. They constantly try to cheat. They don’t save anyone’s life and in some instances they end them. They usually have no education, and they dedicate their life to perfect things like a “neutral zone trap” and “hitting the five hole.” I mean this is the grounds for ridicule. But for the most part we adore professional sports. We adore it so much that cities give millionaires millions more to build arenas so we can keep those athletes in our cities. Do you ever see this happening with doctors? It’s funny that with all the accolades that Winnipeg has (birthplace of Neil Young, brimming arts culture, coldest city on earth), Winnipeggers will always remember when the Jets left their city. It haunts them. When someone took the Jets from Winnipeg and changed their name it was like someone took a child from every family in Winnipeg, moved them to Arizona and gave them a region-appropriate name (maybe Jorge or something like that). Again, these are millionaire hockey players we are talking about here. But for some reason, I know you will understand Winnipeg’s plight, I know I do. So much so that when the Oilers threatened to move away from Edmonton, we had rallies and hobos giving up their spare change so they could save our Oilers. Why? Because they were our Oilers. They were ours. No one had the right to take them.

For Edmontonians it was important for the Oilers to stay in Edmonton because we didn’t have a Neil Young. We had Kevin Lowe. We didn’t have the Tragically Hip. We had Curtis Joseph. The Oilers are all we have. Even if they did suck. Without them we wouldn’t be known for anything. There would be no reason a writer from San Jose would talk about Edmonton. No New Yorker would have to know that before he saved his Rangers, Mark Messier used to destroy with our Oilers. There would be no point for someone in Helsinki to print out that Canada’s captain Ryan Smyth plays for the Oilers. There is a connection between a city and a sports team that cannot be said for anything else artistic. For example, everyone knows The Beatles came from Liverpool, and even though John, Paul, Ringo, and George all lived away from Liverpool, this fact will never change. But even though Liverpool F.C. is one of the most successful soccer clubs in Europe, if they were to ever move away, that connection between the team and town will eventually be lost. Case in point, did you know that before the NHL awarded a team in Ottawa in 1995, there was an NHL team there before that won 5 Stanley Cups? This is one of the reason why sports fans refer to their club as their own, because once you lose it, it is gone for good.

But this still doesn’t explain the why sports are different than any other entertainment. The more I try to explain it, the more stupid I sound. Why do we refer to our clubs as “ours”? I’ll tell you as a sports fan what I do know, that even though I don’t affect the outcomes of the games, I feel like I do. That it really does take a lot to separate a sports fan from their team. It would probably take a lot of consecutive losing seasons for a fan to say “I’ve had it” (see: Chicago Blackhawks circa 2000-2005) which again cannot be said with a band per se (one shitty album, one “sell-out” comment and that’s about it, see: Metallica circa 2003). I’ll tell you that even though I will feel sick after a game, I will still come back for more. I know that I can compare Todd Marchant’s series winning overtime goal in 1995 to any landmark movie scene. Shakespeare even. This is all ridiculous but at the same time perfectly sane in my own world.

I guess that being irrational is what a sports fan is all about.

"Another Excuse" by Soulwax

Take this brother, may it serve you well

2007-01-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

I'm writing a book, again. I wanted to write a book that I was comfortable in writing and I figured that I don't have the attention span to write a whole on it's own. But I think I can write little essays on it's own. Interject some of my old blog posts, and expand on those subjects. Of course, this will be about anything, The White Stripes, Jack Bauer, the Super Nintendo, the Edmonton Oilers. Whatever. But from time to time, when I feel I have written something good, I will share it to you.

I hope you like it.

"Revolution #9" by The Beatles

One by one I'll knock you out

2007-01-24T22:22:00.000-08:00

This is a mix I made for my friends who don't like my musical taste. Actually the way they describe my music is "eclectic" which is just another way of saying "weird" and another less hurtful way of saying "I don't like it." We went out for some late night waffles at Denny's and we talked about the music that was played in the office, and I bitched that it was all Tupac and B.I.G. (and it is). That it's pretty much the same everywhere in this top 40 city. I'm truthful to my friends, they respect that. But they also realize that I work in a position of weakness, because no one since Brent the metal head liked the music that I like. This annoys me because I know I have good musical taste so when one of them asked me for a mix CD (probably out of pity, but I'll take it) I made them the best hip hop/r and b/beat heavy CD I could muster. I think I did a good job.

"Dreadlock Holiday" by 10cc
"Dirty Money" by Clipse
"Back Like That" by Ghostfaced Killah
"Oh My God" by Jay-Z
"Cellphone's Dead" by Beck
"The Long List of Girls" by The Blow
"Final Frontier" by RJD2
"Fix Up, Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal
"Grew Up Hard" by Trife Da God
"Ain't Cha" by Clipse
"El Estuche" by Los Aterciopelados
"Midnight In A Perfect World" by DJ Shadow
"Shakey Dog" by Ghostfaced Killah
"November Has Come" by Gorillaz
"I Gotcha" by Lupe Fiasco
"Coke And Wet" by Spank Rock
"Supersonic" by JJ Fad
"Potholderz" by MF Doom
"Street Justice" by MSTRKRFT
"Backyard Betty" by Spank Rock
"Smash Your Head" by Girl Talk
"Guns N Razors" by Ghostfaced Killah
"Daydreaming" by Lupe Fiasco
"Waiting For U (Say Say Say)" by Hi-Tack
"Hype Boys" by Sway
"Unfinished Symphony" by Massive Attack
"Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (Neptunes Remix)" by Daft Punk
"Brown Paper Bag" by Roni Size/Reprazent
"I.R.M." by Indian Ropeman
"Doctor Pressure" by Mylo
"Melaza" by Tiro De Gracia
"Geezers Need Excitement" by The Streets
"Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy
"Aerodynamic (Slum Village remix)" by Daft Punk
"Rick Rubin" by Spank Rock
"My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder
"Month In The Summer" by Sway
"Can't Get The Blue Monday Out Of My Head" by Kylie and New Order
"Knicknack" by Wildechild
"Na Rua, Na Chuve, Na Fazenda" by Hyldon
"Jungle Brother" by The Jungle Brothers
"Breakaway" by Basement Jaxx
"What It Look Like" by Spank Rock
"Clandestino" by Manu Chao
"Heaven Only Knows" by K-Os
"Kick Push II" by Lupe Fiasco
"Bottle Rocket" by The Go! Team
"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" by Joe Cocker
"How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?" by Al Green

Again, if you want any of these songs, my email is on the left hand corner. Don't be shy.

"Gimme Some Love" by Graham Coxon

Let's make love and listen to death from above

2007-01-22T22:36:00.000-08:00

I went to see some karaoke the other day. It was supposed to be the best karaoke place in Edmonton. I was lied to, this place sucked balls. I didn't like that I was lied to, but I think a good karaoke place is made by the people who frequent it. So in the style of Borat: When we make karaoke parties, we should make by these a-rules! High Five!

1) When you consider venturing a place that is in a neighborhood that has a sign that says "We don't tolerate prostitution in our area! Report the pimps and johns!" then accept a few realities. One of them is that when you walk in there will be someone signing a Nickleback song. So blowing them away with your rendition of Christina Aguilera's "Genie In A Bottle" might not be the wisest decision. Know your audience. Actually fuck that, if you want to sing your rendition of "Genie In A Bottle" it might be a welcome change. So know your audience, then totally go against them.

2) Don't sing long songs. Yeah "American Pie" is a cool song, but realize that it's like 9 mins long. 9 bloody mins. Stop and think about this. It's not the most exciting song in the world and you're going to be up there and not dance and read those lines for NINE MINUTES! That's a long time! Think about it! Say No to "American Pie"! The funniest is when people try "Stairway to Heaven" and in the middle of the song realize that there is like a 3 min guitar solo so they either try to air guitar the thing and that becomes amusing for like 1 min. Then it's tiresome and they quickly give up. Or they just sit there and nod their head for the 3 mins and it's awkward for everyone. So long songs are not cool.

3) People love sing a longs. Give it to them! Don't sing a song that no one knows. BO-RING! Stop being a snob bitch. This is neither the time nor the place.

4) Don't sing it in your own voice, it is your duty to sing the way the singer intended it to. So if you pick a Prince song you better go up there and bring your best Prince impression. Singing "Folsom Prison Blues" it better be in a low drawl son. If you're singing Frank Sinatra (which people tend to do), then you best be wearing a suit and tie motherfucker.

5) Group Drunken sing a longs, where a bunch of highballed up girls or a bunch of drunk frat boys all share the mic and try to sing a song are the fucking worst. When people attempt this, no one will ever sing into the mic, except in like 30 second intervals where someone goes "WHOOO." 2/3 of them always forget the words even when the words are right fucking THERE. It just turns into an inside joke where everyone is on the outside. The group singing it thinks it's hilarious but everyone else thinks it's like watching a nightmare.

6) This place is not for you to show off your singing skills. Trust me, record execs and music show biz types don't patrol the karaoke bars for hidden talent singing that awesome Jewel song. So stop with the showing off and start singing me some Duran Duran.

7) Actually as much as I hate the 80's, this decade works so well in this circuit. The more cheesy 80's songs where I can sing a long, the better. There are major staples in bars but for some reason people forget in karaoke bars. You know I have never heard "Living on a Prayer" in a karaoke bar.

8) If you're going to sing a rap song, think about what you're doing. You better know this song off by heart. Or else you're going to look very foolish.

9) This is for the karaoke host, whiny, slow love songs should come at the very end when everyone is so drunk to really give a shit. Not in the middle. I don't care if seasoned veteran over there has been here since 9pm. Leave that crap till the end. You're killing the vibe here.

10) Know your limits. Don't think you can pull off that Axl rose in "Paradise City." Don't do it then. We will all appreciate your restrain.

11) Get into the song, the more people act and dance and look ridiculous but fun, the better it will be for everyone. Start dancing! Start air guitaring.

You're fucking Page AND Plant!

"Art Bitch" by CSS

I'm just a killer for your love

2007-01-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

Did you know the Golden Globes were on the other day? Flew me by that one did, and I was kind of sad that I did. I love watching award shows, I don't know why. Well legitimate award shows, like the Oscars, and Emmys, and MTV Movie Awards. Shit like the People's Choice Award should rot in the 7th layer of hell along with rapists and child molesters. Maybe they can give out People's Choice Awards for that too. I'm sure Queen Latifah would be free to host.

I have to say that there are few things finer than watching the first episodes of American Idol. There are a few top TV moments than watching a bad singer trying to sing a ridiculously hard song. Especially if said singer is a poster of the word "computer programmer" who was encouraged by his co-workers after they listened to his instrumentals. Maybe even an overweight death bleached albino with bright red lipstick who wore a golden shirt and described her style as "sexy" singing "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls with her mom in the audience. Or even a crazy, mouth covered in herpes, wear my attitude on my face, pig faced low toned weirdo whose nickname is "the Hotness."

There were so many of these moments packed into the 4 hours of the starting episodes that I was sad when the final minutes clicked away. That's the standard for a good TV show, when you don't want it to end. This is a bad sign for society in general that the reason why we watch the show is to make fun of people. It's the equivalent of watching many old people fall down for four hours. Then having a British guy dryly mocking those old people. We don't love losers even if they are eccentric lovable losers. The reason we encourage this behavior and the show is because we love to make fun of them. Why was William Hung so "successful"? Because we can have that image of him dancing to "She Bangs" forever. Hell, I love it. I don't feel good for my karma that I love it, but at least I'm not afraid to admit it. I think you should try to embrace your assholeness and just admit that you love laughing at Hung and the rest. Don't be like those idiots trying to rationalize the reason for liking Hung was because he is an inspiration. That's even more laughable.

It's like when those people (me included) tried to get Rory Fitzpatrick in the All-Star game. It's not because that dude felt that the All-Star game needed a journey man defenceman in the game, and that he actually respected Fitzpatrick. That's bullshit. That's just the story he came up after he realized he needed to explain himself. The real reason was that he realized that anyone can vote for the game numerous times, and that one lonely night he thought "hey wouldn't it be hilarious to try to get this no-name player with no points in the All-Star game? That would soooo sweet." They were openly mocking the NHL! But it was awesome. It ticked off just the right people (case in point: Don Cherry), and it put the NHL in the headlines again. Fuck even Rory himself liked it (and I think he should be part of the celebrations, put him the skills competition or something).

What was my point again? Well that people (3.7 million that watched the opening episode) love making fun of people, and we as a society should stop trying to kid ourselves. Also that the rest of American Idol sucks balls.

Thank you.

Oh yeah, and The Blow's "Paper Television" is awesome. That was my other point. Ahem.

"Long List Of Girls" By The Blow

I believe time is mine

2007-01-15T23:17:00.000-08:00

Without giving much away to the people who have not seen it yet, these are the things I have noticed when I am watching the new season of "24"

1) For Jack to get that short haircut from the mane that he had when he was imprisoned, it must've took him at least 30 mins. It takes me at least 15 mins to get a haircut and that's when it's been growing for like a month and a half. This is a serial flaw.

2) That Milo kid that appeared in the third season (or 4th I don't remember) is strictly annoying me. Maybe it was the writers who made him annoying, and maybe they said to him "you know, I think you should totally, like fucking go ape shit on the hair gel! And then get a really tiny goatee and mustache. This will really suit your character perfectly." If so, then I applaud them.

3) On the other side of the new character lists, Counter Terrorist Units always need a suave British guy on the scene. If you don't the other Spy/Terrorist/Police forces will just conclude that you're unprepared.

4) That new chick though? Smoking hot. She'll probably be dead by the end of the season though.

5) Curtis is the worst actor in the lot of them. When he's having his conundrum over cooperating with a terrorist all I keep saying in my head was "stop talking Curtis. Just do your thing and make the ringing in my ear stop." That guy's dialogue should just be limited to:
"Ok gotcha"
"I don't know about this"
"On my six"
"Are you sure Jack?"
"We're in position"
"Hostiles are down"

6) When President Palmer 2.0 tries to think, he looks like he's about to cry. I have little faith in Palmer 2.0 now.

7) I'm tired of Jack always fighting Muslims and Arabs and what not. I thought this season he was gonna fight some Chinese, and I'm disappointed he's not. Maybe he should fight some Columbians, ala Miami Vice. Or like some evil Frenchies, that would rock.

8) I love how every season of "24" works. It's truly like a video game. At the start of it, you have your objective, then the hero arrives. The hero then always has to fight these mini-bosses to get to the big boss. Then it's always these missions, like find the five vials of neuro-toxins, or find the 3 remainder nuclear targets. It's never a big goal, it's always these little goals. Just like playing Zelda, or like Metal Gear Solid. This season is no different.

9) How many people have said "I don't trust Jack at all!" and then they were wrong? Why won't people just learn? How many terrorists does he have to kill? How many hot daughters does he have to save from a bear trap?

10) If I lived in the world of "24", which seemingly has a terrorist attack every three years. I would not leave my house.

"In The Morning" by The Junior Boys

Bullet tooth Tony and his friend Desert Eagle .50

2007-01-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

Heather sent me a song. It inspired me to list you off the songs that have inspired me lately. Inspiration is the key to happiness. Happiness is also measured by the amount of songs you receive via email. If you want your piece of happiness with any of these songs, feel free to let me know and I will email them to you.

"Incinarate" by Sonic Youth
"Wolf Like Me" by TV On The Radio
"Fix Up Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal
"Collarbone" by Fugiya and Miyagi
"Back Like That (Remix)" by Ghostfaced Killah
"Baby Said" by Hot Chip
"Cuntry Boys and City Girls" by The Fratellis
"Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn And John
"The Bouncer" by Klaxons
"My Pony" by Genuwine
(funny story about this song, my supervisor had this song in her CD player and I was singing this along while I was doing my office shit. Unbeknown to me, my Italian short, squeky cute manager walks in just when I was singing the lyrics "if you're horny, let's do it, ride it, my pony" and she remarks "Ahh, so this is want you want to do eh?" I turned around and she's just standing there smiling and all I could muster was a "uhhhh...." while she giggled out of the office)

"In The Walls" by Stellastarr*
"Disco Science" by Mirwais
"Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (The Neptunes Remix)" by Daft Punk
"In The Court Of The Crimson King" by King Crimson
"Over The Hills" by Simian (Take that Kanye!)
"We Have Explosive" by The Future Sound Of London
"Pick Up The Pieces" by Money Mark
"Another Excuse (The DFA Remix)" by Soulwax
"Mars, Arizona" by Blues Explosion
"Chinese New Year" by Clipse
"Born To Be Wild" by Fanfare Ciocarlia (From the Borat soundtrack!)
"Nevers" by The Fiery Furnaces

"Hey Jude" by The Mulato Muzik Orchestra

It's evolution baby

2007-01-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

I just downloaded a shit load of music videos. I am inspired.

My sis is in the camp that says music videos are a tool of the devil. The music devil. The one that says "you're not allowed to think about the song, we'll do the thinking for you." She thinks that the music video has disallowed the individual interpretation of a song. She doesn't like the idea that a band will allow an interpretation of a piece of art as the officially sanctioned interpretation. So she doesn't watch them. Everytime someone like myself will ask her "have you watched the music video for Weapon of Choice?" she will always scoff and say "I told you I don't watch those things." I always forget. I agree with her to a point, but to paraphrase a quote by Chuck, artists who think they control the interpretation of their work are completely fooling themselves.

I believe that music videos are an art form in itself. It is also quite a shame that most music directors don't take it as much. There's only a few of them that took it seriously. Those people went on to great things, the shitty ones stayed shitty. Michel Gondry is one of my fav directors and he started out doing Bjork and White Stripes videos. He got it. He got it good. He got it so good that people gave him some music and let him at it. There is a documentary out there that explains why he's so good, because he's got some true inspiration and got lucky enough to work with artists who are not complete attention whores. There is a disease out there with music videos though, and that's the attention seeking artist/producer/director of the video. Too many egos. That's why there's a lot of shitty rap videos floating around. I think Hype Williams started this trend with the hot cars/house/models. Now even rappers are getting sick of themselves. Rockers are a little bit more low key but still need that ego massaged once in a while. At least they pretend to be arty. Actually some of my fav music videos don't have the artists in them at all. "Do The Evolution" by Pearl Jam was done completely in crazy Ninja Scroll anime style by Todd MacFarlane. "Go With The Flow" by Queens of The Stone Age has Sin City like imagery. "Paranoid Android" by Radiohead is a weird take on a day out. "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys technically has the band in it, but they're not rapping at all. "Fell in Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes also has the band, but they're in Legos. "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse which is just a futuristic cowboy adventure. "Miss Lucifer" By Primal Scream which imagines what the devil would look like if she knew how to rave.

Actually, I think the best artists to do music videos are electronic artists. Look at the Chemical Brothers videos, each one is a piece of art (then look for Sofia Coppola in "Electrobank"). Check out Spike Jones' opus "Da Funk" by Daft Punk. Check out Chris Columbus' "Come to Daddy" by Aphex Twin, one of the scariest videos in all mankind. Check out Jones' "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim (The one vid that my sis DID like). All were a landmark in music video form. In fact fuck that, fuck them all and just check out my favorite music video of all time "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy. Watch it first, then come back to me (warning, it's not really safe for work, isn't that exciting!)

Ok watched it? Good. The reason why I rank this video as my fav of all time is because it adheres to the number 1 rule of the music video. The images are to compliment the music playing behind it. Too many people forget this. The images in this video completely agree and coincide to the harsh beat and lyrics of this song. A crazy night out, with a crazy person. It is completely devoid of ego, and the band and director agreed just to make a raw and ravished video that matched the raw and futuristic sounding start of the raw and crazy album that was "Fat Of The Land." And that ending, come ON! The most important thing was that it also served as a great advertising of that song and of the band. After watching, didn't it make you want to download that song and hear it again? For obvious reasons, the video was too real that it was banned by MTV. But of course this just means more people will watch it. Especially now with You Tube and the like. I think if more videos were to shoot for the moon like this video did, my sis would start watching.

"From The Ritz To The Rubble" By The Arctic Monkeys

I'm the king, and she's my queen, bitch.

2007-01-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

I can dream can't I?

I dream of the day when I can front a terrifyingly awesome heavy metal band called The Fluffy Kitties. Our tour t-shirts would all be pink and have airbrush pictures of kittens playing with yarn and stuff. But we would be so hardcore that even the hardest of heavy metal people would be wearing our shirts. We will also stress the members of our fan club to stone any person trying to wear our t-shirt "ironically." Since we're a hardcore metal band they will listen to us (it will also help that I will make up our back story to say that we're from Scandinavia. They're crazy mofos there.)

When I front The Fluffy Kitties, and people will invariably ask me why I named the band so, I will pull a Stereophonics and carve the name Fluffy Kitties in my arm with a dull knife. Actually I will also carve the name into interviewer's arm as well.

That will guarantee that no more questions about the name.

"Shoot the Runner" by Kasabian

The past is a grotesque animal

2007-01-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

This post is in honor of the king and prime minister of the short post: NK and Screetus. Long live you bright young steeds.

Along with all the other accomplishments, I conclude that the Beatles invented rap. Just listen to "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
Bum-bum bap, bum-bum bap, 'It was twenty years ago today' bum-bum bap 'sgt pepper taught a band to play'.
Those niggas were rapping.

"Sgt Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)" by The Beatles